SavvyPack

Savvy Life Skill: Right-Brained Skills

tony — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:26:37 -0700

In the early 1960's, a neuropsychologist named Roger Sperry developed a ground-breaking idea about how our brains worked. He theorized that our brains are split between two hemispheres - the left and the right. Certain aspects of our thinking are exclusively controlled by either one side or the other, he presumed.

Scientists have since expanded significantly on Sperry's original research, and the right/left brain theory has largely become the dominant school of thought. The left brain, they believe, governs the logical, analytical and rational aspects of our thought. It is geared toward intellectual thought like problem solving, mathematics and analyzing data. The right brain, on the other hand, governs the intuitive, feeling aspects of our thought. It's governance includes things like design, spatial relationships, and viewing things as a whole rather than a series of parts.

For instance, consider balancing your checkbook. When you sit down to accomplish this task, the left brain takes over. It thrives on organizing and creating structure, and it engages the task in a sequential, systematic way. It adds up the figures and expects and exact, specific answer. If you tried to put the right brain in charge, you'd be in trouble. It would rather guess at the total, content with looking at the pile of figures and rounding out the total.

Now consider driving in traffic. In this instance, your right brain takes over. When in traffic, you're bombarded with stimuli from every direction, and your mind has to take it all in without focusing on any of it specifically. It needs to see the picture as a whole. If your left brain were in charge, it would go crazy trying to lock on to each piece of information and sort it in manageable form.

The analysis of left and right brain thinking is becoming more and more a part of the workplace environment. During the Industrial Age, when our cultures were busy supplying its people with practical machines and goods to carry out specific functions in our lives, left-brained workers and designers were in great demand. These people thought practically about how an item can be practical and functional, and how a company can make it using the least amount of resources.

More and more, however, employers are seeking out right-brained workers. This follows the ideas of a number of researchers who believe that we've moved from the Industrial Age into a "Conceptual Age." We've reached the point where we live in a economy of abundance. We have everything we need to live practical, functional lives. Now consumers are looking for goods that not only fulfill practical applications, but also satisfy our aesthetic desires as well. Phones can't just connect us to the outside world; they have to look good, feel good in our hands, and incorporate many more services than just connectivity. To fulfill these demands, companies are hiring right-brained employees who can think outside the box - creative, artsy employees who aren't just number crunchers.

To bring your child into this marketplace and make sure he succeeds, you have to foster his right-brained abilities. Now, some people are simply born the way they're born. Some kids are inherently good at math. Others are inherently good at music, and couldn't solve a math problem if their life depended on it. No matter what anyone tells you, though, everyone uses both sides of their brain. Like any other aspect of our bodies, though, we have to exercise our brains if we want them to perform. By exercising with right-brain activities, you can hone your children's thought processes and make them more appealing candidates to future employers.

Be decorative -- Raising infants and toddlers in houses with bright, well-organized decorations helps foster their visual thinking skills. During their infancy, decorate their walls with brightly-colored shapes cut out of construction paper. Make circles and squares, both small and large, to help them learn to differentiate between curved lines and straight ones. As they get older, help them to redecorate their rooms with posters of superheroes or singers or whatever they enjoy. Make sure they have creative control over the process, though. Help them think through tough decisions, and help them understand how the arrangement of the posters, not just each poster individually, is important to how the room will look.
Promote arts and crafts -- While this may seem like a chore (and it will be, when your kids are still young), you've got to help them paint, draw, sculpt and create in any way possible. Your right-brained kids will immediately take to this; it will more than likely be their favorite thing to do. Your predominantly left-brained kids may take to it a little slower, and some may not like it at all. As this type of exercise is firmly rooted in creative, visual and spatial reasoning, it is a great way to flex their right hemispheres. If you want help avoiding the mess, Crayola has a number of products that eliminate the need for cleanup.
For math problems, bust out the abacus -- A number of prominent Japanese psychological researchers discovered the use of an abacus as a mathematical learning tool promoted and was promoted by right-brained skills. While students who learn math in schools generally visualize numbers by picturing the numerical symbols, students who learn using an abacus visualize numbers in groups and collections of abacus beads. The researchers found that children using this tool had improved numerical memory (ability to remember and recall multiple numbers), spatial memory (ability to remember sequences, placements and arrangements) and general mathematical skills. These children scored higher than non-abacus students in many areas, including addition and multiplication of one-digit numbers, addition and subtraction of multi-digit numbers and word problems employing addition and subtraction. An abacus, then, can be a great tool for a predominantly left-brained (math-centric) kid to develop right-brained skills, but it can also be a great tool for a right-brained kid to develop better math (left-brain) skills.
4. Be aware of your child's visual learning needs -- When trying to teach your right-brained child, don't get frustrated when he's not getting something you're trying to explain to him. Remember, these kids are visual learners. When they don't understand something, repeating yourself over and over isn't going to help. Instead, think about how you can "rephrase" the information with visual cues. Hang up a large dry erase boards in their room, and use them to both explain things and help your child work through problems.

Not all kids are going to take well to right-brained exercises and activities. Like we noted before, some are just wired that way. We all exercise skills on both sides of our brains, however, and using these techniques can help stimulate and improve right-brained skills in even the most left-brained of kids. Just remember to be patient; these skills are going to come in handy some day.

Savvy Life Skill: Leadership

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 15:00:44 -0700

Humanity has seen great leaders rise above the crowd. Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc - all people that have stepped out of the masses and turned the people from confusion to organization, from the rabble into the mob. Although many will contend that these people were simply born good leaders, there are many others (mostly parents) that will assure you these great leaders were made, forged by the sweat and dedication of the ones that raised them.

What is leadership anyway? There are lots of definitions out there, but I like John Maxwell's definition best - leadership is influence. Influencing others to come along for the ride, without needing a title or position to do so. Influencing others through words, actions, and most importantly, through example so that others enthusiastically give their best.

As such, nurturing kids to grow as leaders isn't primarily about getting a good job, making them more marketable, teaching them to control others, or pushing them to be a future CEO or quarterback. It's about helping her reach her full potential, and also enabling her to draw out the potential in others.

Great leaders possess an exceptional skill set, but even more importantly, great leaders have an unparelleled mindset and "heartset" - deeper qualities that go beyond skill or perspective.

Leadership Skill Set

Leaders communicate - Great leaders obviously have to be great communicators, and the best way to bring that out in your child is to immerse them in the world of language. Encourage her to read as much as possible, from books to magazines to comic books - anything that involves her with the written language. When she's old enough, encourage her to write as well. Diary entries, essays, fictional stories. Take the opportunity to teach her how words matter when she faces conflict with friends or when misunderstandings occur. She'll start to get an understanding of the power and the responsibility of the words she chooses as well as how she delivers them.
Leaders organize - Any good leader is an effective organizer. Not only can she organize a group of people into a cohesive unit, but she's effective in organizing her own life. As she get older, start to delegate more schedule decisions to her - she'll soon learn that organization skills is about prioritizing. Show her how to use checklists and share a little about how you keep all your savvinness organized, too.
Leaders solve problems - Help foster problem solving skills in your child by role-playing with them. Present her with difficult situations that might arise at school, and have her work through them with you. Teach her to look at both sides of the issue, to view problems through multiple lenses before making a decision. Teach her to think about all decisions in terms of pros and cons.

Leadership Mindset

Leaders dream big - Great leaders can see past the current day situation and envision what could be. They have an ability to imagine what the future could look like and are optimistic that it is achievable. Now, vision for a toddler probably just entails a chocolate covered donut with rainbow sprinkles, but as your tot grows up, you can begin to nurture this vision muscle. Get her involved in activities that require creativity and imagination - drawing a more intricate scene, building a LEGOS castle, and building a go-cart with her friends. Expose her to new experiences that will shape her perspective of what is possible and how the world works. For example, take her to a Habitat for Humanity service trip and visit the local farm to learn how the whole food chain works. Challenge her to ask, "Wouldn't it be cool if..."
Leaders set goals - Teach your child to set realistic goals when she's still young. Goals could include having her room clean by a certain time, or reading a book within the space of a week. Set goals for her at first and help her meet them, and as she gets more confident allow her to set her own goals. You don't want go overboard and make her too goal-oriented, but setting good goals will help her to learn planning, motivation, and (if she's smart) delegation skills.

Leadership Heartset

Leaders have strong character - Leaders have integrity and courage. They aren't easily shaken up by discouragement and they keep their promises. They have that inner strength to make tough decisions and don't yield to the pressures of the day. Developing kids of strong character is so important that it's the entire focus of the Character articles within Savvy Daddy's SavvyPack section. In particular, read the articles about how we can raise kids of integrity, courage (coming soon), generosity, and compassion.
Leaders are coaches - All leaders are coaches. We can teach our kids to have a heart of a coach by letting them experience what it's like to be coached (through a sports team, for example) or to let them coach younger kids. They'll experience the thrill of their advice being taken seriously. In addition, we can help him learn to how to understand motivations and be "emotionally intelligent", so that he can figure out how to draw out and motivate others.

With these perspectives, your child will be well on her way to a life of leadership. Regardless of where life takes her, having the skillset, mindset, and heartset of a leader will help her achieve things she might not have thought possible and find fulfillment in motivating others.

Other Links:
Nurturing the Leader Within Your Child by Dr. Tim Elmore and John Maxwell
Coaching Your Kids to be Leaders by Pat Williams (former NBA GM and father of 19 kids!)
Fathers.com: How to build leaders

Raising Kids of Strong Character: Self-Control

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:52:20 -0700

Are you the parent that has to cut their shopping trip or restaurant visit short because your toddler embarrasses you with a temper tantrum? Have you ever had to give other parents a dirty look because they glare at you like you're a horrible parent because your child has no self-control? Sometimes you just want to throw yourself down on the floor and start throwing a tantrum of your own just to blow off some steam when your toddler starts screaming.

Unfortunately, you can't do this (not in public, anyways) without the guys in white coats coming to take you away. Your only alternative is to teach your young child self-control so they know how to behave in public and resist their impulse urges. With these tips, you can raise a child that has some degree of self-control and you can end the madness that has become parenthood.

Set clear rules and boundaries. Many tantrums and disagreements with children occur because they aren't sure what's expected of them. Instead of having a rule that vaguely says, "Don't act up in the store," make it more specific by saying, "No whining, crying, yelling, screaming, complaining or screaming in the store." But setting rules is only half of it. The other half is to enforce those rules. With each rule, have a specific consequence. When your child breaks the store rule, the specific consequence could be that they don't get a toy on that visit or they get a two-hour grounding when they get home. You might be surprised how willing children are to behave when they know exactly what's expected of them and the consequences.
Take a time out. This is for the children, not for you. When you see your young child start showing signs of anger or aggression, remove them from the situation or distract them for a couple minutes. Most times, this will divert their attention away from whatever is causing their anger and focus it on something else. For example, if you are at a play date with your child and you see him getting angry with the other child, take him away from the situation for a minute and talk about something else. Chances are, by the time he gets back, he won't even remember what he was getting angry about in the first place.
Give your child enough positive attention. There's a huge difference between positive and negative attention. Positive attention occurs when you praise your child for doing something good. You can give positive attention by giving rewards, a pat on the back or simply saying something encouraging when they do something good. Negative attention, on the other hand, occurs when children do something bad or against the rules. This kind of attention is usually yelling, screaming or even spanking in some households. Negative attention is the type that leads to a child losing their self-control. They just want attention of any kind. And if you're not giving them positive attention, they're going to misbehave as much as it takes to get negative attention. If this means throwing a tantrum or losing control, they'll do it.
Be a model of self-control. We've all seen the anti-drug commercial where the father finds drugs in the teenage boy's bedroom and asks where he learned it from. The teenage boy fires back with, "From you, dad! I learned it from watching you!" It's the same way with your behavior. If you often lose self-control and start yelling and cussing and screaming around the house, you're not setting a very good example for your child. The best way to teach self-control is to demonstrate it, even if that means during the worst and most frustrating situations. Most of the time, you might not even be conscious that you're doing it. Be aware of your actions at all times. If you can't control yourself when you're alone, you'll have an even more difficult time when others are around.
Keep your child stimulated. Boredom leads to restlessness. Restlessness leads to anger. And anger leads to a loss of self-control. The best way to keep your child calm is to provide them with stimulating activities and things to do. When you're at the grocery store with your children, give them part of the shopping list that they are responsible for. When you're at home, make sure to have a variety of toys and activities to keep them entertained. The more stimulated and challenged a child feels, the less chance he will have of becoming aggressive and angry.
Be consistent. This is key. It's difficult enough to teach your children a characteristic or trait. But it's even more difficult when you're not consistent in your rules or enforcements. When you're inconsistent, you're giving your child mixed signals. This means that your child is unclear as to what's expected of them. As a result, they lose their self-control as they try to test their limits and see what they can get away with. As hard as it may be at times, be consistent and enforce the rules each time your child breaks one of them.

A child that loses self-control can be embarrassing, humiliating and even dangerous at times. That's why it's so important to teach your child how to control their emotions even when they want to be aggressive. With these suggestions and some patience, you can help your child grow up to be in control of their emotions and actions and you'll even be able to maintain your own self-control during the process.

Savvy Life Skill: Self-Image not Based on Appearances

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:39:29 -0700

Does your son care more about getting the most recent Kobe sneakers than getting A's in school? Does your two-year-old reject her Gerber sweet potatoes because she is limiting her carbs? Would your daughter list Lindsay Lohen as a great American hero? Don't fret. Your children are normal. Kids are increasingly obsessed with looks, weight, clothes, exercise, sneakers, and celebrities. But these image-conscious interests can lead to a lot of problems. Pediatricians report that kids are eating less healthy at younger ages in order to have what they perceive as better bodies. In fact, 83% of sixth grade girls and over 25% of first graders report having dieted, and eating disorders are rising dramatically. Boys are focused on their physiques at the expense of their health. One study showed that one in eight teenage boys use potentially unhealthy supplements on a weekly basis to improve their bodies. Other problems linked to an unhealthy obsession with image include lower self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Parents, however, can help dramatically by offering perspective on our media-driven and consumer-heavy culture. Parents can also help kids focus more on who they are and less on the brands they wear or how much they weigh. Here are some ways to get started:

Words matter. What parents say matters. A lot. Parent's praise, criticism, and comments weigh heavily on their kids-- both when the target of the comments are the kids themselves or others. So if you praise your daughter only for her looks, she will focus more on looking cute than on developing other skills. If you frequently take bets with your family on how many hot dogs fat Uncle Louis will eat at the family BBQ, you are showing your own acute awareness of the weight of others. Both actions send the wrong message. Try to get weight and fat out of your vocabulary, and praise your kids for their talents, not their looks.
Actions matter more. Parents' actions are even more important than their words. Studies show that if parents are obsessed with image, their kids will be too. So you can tell your daughter she is beautiful just the way she is, but if you then go out for a six-mile jog, eat a salad (no croutons, dressing on the side), and stand in front of the mirror sucking in your gut looking depressed, your daughter is going to be obsessing with her own body, diet, and weight in no time at all.
Beware of the media. Many experts say that our cultural focus on self-image can be blamed on the media. According to them, advertisers conduct extensive psychological research on how to best sell products to our kids, which often feed on our children's insecurities and teach them that certain products will make them safe, happy, loved, popular, or attractive. Thus, it's not surprising that two-thirds of girls report that magazine pictures affect their own body image, or that frequent viewing of music videos has been found to increase the desire to diet. An easy solution is to limit media extensively, as the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends. If you decide to let your kids indulge, talk to them about the airbrushing, surgeries, fulltime trainers, drugs, and dieticians required to get those seemingly perfect bodies. Talk about how the media and advertising industries work. Discuss how certain ads, shows, or products make your kids feel. An awareness of the effects of media and advertising might give your kids some much-needed perspective.
Teasing can hurt self-image. Many people report that teasing-even friendly teasing from friends-is what starts bad self-image. In your own house, make sure that no teasing is allowed. If your child is getting upset from teasing by friends, work with your kid on being assertive and asking his friends to stop. Some experts recommend that kids can stop teasing by simply admitting the teaser's accusation without getting upset. Maybe your kid can say, "Yes, I wear glasses. I guess that means I have four eyes. Did you come up with that one yourself, or do you have a writer?"
Encourage kids to be healthy. Some experts say dieting or restricting calories will hurt children's self-image. Other experts say overweight children have long-term health risks and can have self-esteem problems. But how can you balance these two pieces of advice and help your "big-boned" child lose weight without restricting calories? You should focus on exercise and eating right, not the pounds. So, if your kid only wants to eat Ding Dongs and Krispy Kremes, don't say, "No more donuts, chubs." Instead say, "Donuts aren't healthy. Let's eat an apple, which has more nutrients, and see if you are still hungry." Focusing on healthy choices rather than obsessing over weight makes all the difference.

By being conscious of the development of your child's self-image, you can help your kid feel more comfortable with who they are. Further, by encouraging your kids to develop their talents and succeed in other activities like sports, music, or school, they will develop self-esteem in areas unrelated to image, and their focus on superficial qualities will naturally recede. By keeping communication open, encouraging healthy choices, and setting a good example, you can help your child gain confidence and become comfortable being herself regardless of her shape or wardrobe.

Raising Kids of Strong Character: Self-Confidence

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:28:09 -0700

We've all lived through the horror that was high school. We've experienced the acne, the showering in the locker room with the other guys, and getting rejected for dates by girls that we had the biggest crush on (well, not all of us have experienced that). All of that can wreak havoc on a guy's self-confidence, especially if he didn't have a very favorable image of himself to begin with. But now that you're a father, you can correct the self-image mistakes you made by instilling a sense of self-confidence into your children. With any luck, these suggestions will help you raise a highly confident young adult that succeeds in academics, social relationships and anything else that they try in life.

Start showing them love from the beginning. By the time an infant is 18 months old, they have a sense that they are a separate being and they have a separate identity from those around them. That's why it's so important to show them love and encouragement during their first few months of life. Be sure to praise their abilities and recognize their strengths so your expectations will fit their temperament.
Be sincere with your praise. Praising your child for the good things they do is a great way to instill a strong sense of self-confidence. But doing this too much could have the opposite effect. If you shout, "Good Job!" every time they tie their shoes, the praise is going to lose all of its meaning for them. One way to prevent the praise from losing meaning is to make it more specific to the task they completed. For instance, something like "You really helped daddy rake up those leaves this morning" is much more heartfelt and sincere than just saying, "Thanks for the help."
Teach children to be self-sufficient. The more responsibility you give children, the better they're going to feel about themselves. But be sure you give them tasks that they can do at their age. You can't give a four-year-old the task of washing the car and expect him to complete it. But you can expect them to get their own juice box out of the fridge or put their toys away each day when they're done with them. The less dependent they become on you, the more self-confidence they have. As a bonus, it makes your life easier, too.
Allow your child to fail. One of the hardest things a dad has to do is watch his young son or daughter take on a difficult task and fail at it. Their tears can melt your heart. But if they never fail, they never learn how to do things themselves. Riding a bike is a great example. The only way they'll learn to balance without the training wheels is to let them ride on their own and fall down a time or two. Of course, be sure they have on protective gear, including a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads. It might be painful to watch them fall a few times, but you're going to enjoy how excited they are when they finally learn to do it on their own.
Encourage your child to do new things. It's boring to succeed at the same thing every time. Think of yourself, for example. Driving a car has probably become like second nature to you. You've accomplished the task and now you accomplish it every day on the way to work and on the way home. But if you were to try driving a huge moving truck, that might be something different that you'd accomplish and feel good about it. Now transfer that to your child. After they've learned how to do a simple task, start increasing the difficulty incrementally. Choose slightly harder books to read or more difficult chores to do around the house and be sure to praise them each time they succeed at those tasks.
Place the focus on relationships instead of appearance. As children grow into adolescence, they tend to place a great deal of focus on their appearance. But oddly enough, no teenager on earth is comfortable with the way they look. That's why your adolescent will never gain self-confidence through their physical appearance as long as they're in high school and even a few years afterward. As they grow up, teach them to place their main focus on the relationships they have with others, such as you, their mom, other family members and friends. If they feel comfortable and secure in their relationships, they'll feel much better about themselves despite their appearance.
Express confidence yourself. Your children learn from what they see you do. So when you express lack of confidence when doing a task or with the way you look, they're likely to do the same. You might have a little work to do in that area before you can teach your child how to have self-confidence. Apply the previous steps to yourself and you can increase your own self-image, too.

Self-confidence is one of the cornerstones of success. Without it, you're afraid to try new things or put yourself "out there" to expand your abilities and skills. But confidence isn't necessarily something you're born with. That's why it's so important to know the techniques to teach your child the confidence they need to succeed in life. With these suggestions, your child can grow up to be a respectable and successful adult that you can be proud of.

Raising Kids of Strong Character: Self-Awareness

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:23:21 -0700

Young children almost never have a sense of self-awareness. That's why you've probably caught them running around in front of people without any clothes on. And they tend to find the most inappropriate times to show their shame, too. Have you ever had to leave church early because you took your eyes off your toddler for three seconds and the next thing you knew he was as naked as a jaybird? Or have you ever had to run toward your toddler with a blanket because they were prancing around in all their glory at your in-law's 50^th anniversary party? Hopefully, they gain a sense of self-awareness as they grow up and outgrow this phase while still having the confidence they need to succeed in their academic, social and work life. Here are some tips to help you guide them toward that type of self-awareness that teaches them who they are and their place in the world.

Encourage their individuality. Children learn about themselves by expressing their interests and participating in their favorite activities. But if you're constantly stifling their creativity, you might make them more confused than they already are. Instead, encourage them to participate in their favorite sport, instrument or other activity that they enjoy and don't force them to participate in activities they don't enjoy. The fact that they are able to make the decision for themselves will give them a sense of confidence and self-awareness that they didn't have before.
Provide a nurturing and emotionally secure environment. Studies have shown that children who grow up in homes where they felt unloved or emotionally detached show a low level of self-identity. Many of them feel like their personality is simply a response to others instead of being an individual person themselves. Be sure to show affection and love toward your child and provide the best possible environment for them to grow up in. When this happens, your child will feel secure enough to form their own personality and identity.
Create name games. One of the simplest and most effective ways for helping your child create an individual identity is to focus on their name. Create games that they can play that focuses on their name. For example, if their name is Chad, have your child come up with one of the qualities for each letter. "C is for caring, H is for happy..." and so on. Since every child knows their own name, this is a great way to help them develop self-awareness.
Ask them questions about themselves. Help your child to explore their own personality by asking them open-ended questions that allows them to express how they feel. Try to avoid questions with one-word answers ("Do you feel sad when you see a hurt puppy?"). Instead, ask them, "What kinds of things make you sad?" You can also do a variation on this by asking them to complete the sentence, "I feel sad when..." Anything you can do to get your child to open up and explore their identity will help them form a strong sense of self-awareness in their early years. This will help them develop maturely into adolescence and into adulthood.
Explore their group identity. One way for children to acquire a personal identity is to start with their group identity. Does your young son belong to the Cub Scouts? Or does your daughter belong to a certain dance troupe? If so, they identify themselves with those particular groups. This can even expand into a certain classroom or even a team if they play a sport. Encourage your child to explore their group identity, but make sure this isn't they only way they identify themselves. Use it as a starting off point to begin talking about their individual identity.
Look in the mirror together. Young children might not know that the person in the mirror is actually them. But as they grow older, they begin to learn that fact. When your child is old enough to realize this, sit in front of the mirror with them and ask them what they see. Ask your child to describe the person looking back at them and ask what kind of person they are. Ask them their likes and dislikes and their favorite activities and hobbies. This is an ideal way to get them to open up about themselves and really talk about who they are. By talking about the person in the mirror instead of them, they typically feel less inhibited and less shy.

Self-awareness isn't an easy characteristic to teach. In fact, it might be one of the more difficult traits for a child to acquire. But that doesn't mean it's impossible. With a little love, patience and understanding, you can teach your child to be their own person while still being a productive member of society. After all, we still struggle for acceptance even at our age. Think of how difficult it can be for a child just starting out in life.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Worry

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:18:51 -0700

We tend to believe that while parents lead stressful lives, our kids have an existence filled with innocence and ease. They play all day long-- they don't have to worry about working or paying bills. What stresses could they possibly have?

As it turns out, plenty. According to a study by KidsHealth.org, kids between the ages of 9 and 13 worry about lots of things - getting good grades, being attractive, problems at home, being well-liked, losing weight, failing, their friends' problems and disappointing their loved ones. Of 1,004 preteens polled, 53 percent claimed they worry weekly or daily about getting good grades, while 43 percent worried about being attractive. Although the study found that a majority of kids say they worry only rarely, it also found that 20 to 30 percent of those polled said they worry daily.

While we may be wrong in believing that kids have nothing to worry about, the logic behind our belief is sound; because they're kids, they shouldn't have to worry about anything. Fitting in, being liked and getting the most out of childhood isn't easy however, and if your child struggles with these goals he or she will experience moments of stress, worry and anxiety. When this stress and worry become a predominant part of life it leaves a lasting effect, and your worried preteen is likely to become a worried adult.

The KidsHealth study also found that "a parent" was the most common resource kids use for learning about the things that worry them (about 42 percent claimed to seek out their parents for help). Whether they come to you or you go to them, however, you should take every opportunity to ease stress in your children's lives and lead them into a worry-free adulthood.

Avoid fighting in front of them. Being aware of family conflict and resolution is part of an essential, on-going lesson for your children; it teaches them to deal with personal conflict and how to overcome it in a healthy manner. Bearing witness to heated arguments, physical or emotional violence, or familial tension and resentment, however, has a profound effect on a child's well-being. If his home is in a constant state of tension and anger, or if he feels his stable life is hanging by the thread of your dissolving marriage, your child will be in a constant state of worry. This worry is hard on the body as well as the mind, and while it may make itself known through a change in your child's actions, it may also manifest in your child's physical well-being.
Help them comprehend news stories. Overhearing an "adult" news story is one of the most common ways that many children first realize the world is not a fairy-tale. It can be a very cruel world, too cruel for your children to know of, but you cannot keep them blind forever. Younger kids may hear of abduction stories and fear for their own safety. They may also become concerned for others, like children in areas of the world overcome with war or famine. It is important for you to discuss these issues with your child rather than sweeping them away and pretending they didn't ask. It is hard to do, but you have to explain to them that bad things happen sometimes. However, you also must reassure her that she is perfectly safe, and that these events happen very rarely. Although you shouldn't lie to your child, you should also temper the information you give her.
Be sympathetic when planning a move. Moving away from home is extremely hard on children, especially those who have grown old enough to develop friends outside the home. It's an upheaval of everything the child knows about his stable life: he'll be living in a new house, going to a new school and meeting all new people. When planning the move, make sure the child is as involved as possible. Although he may want no part of it at first, it is important that you let him have some form of control during this otherwise uncontrollable event. Let him pick the color of his new room, or (if possible) allow him to pick the actual room. Let him help arrange furniture, as well, and ask him for design tips. If he feels he's helping rebuild his home, he will become acclimated to it that much quicker.
Watch for bullying. Bullies are a main worry of most children. A particularly aggressive bully can make going to school unbearable, and your kids may spend the rest of their days worrying about the next time they have to deal with their aggressor. You have to watch for the signs of bullying, however, because oftentimes kids won't say anything to avoid reprisals. Symptoms that your child is being bullied include loss of personal possessions, unexplained bruises, unwillingness to go to school and decrease in class performance. Almost all schools have anti-bullying rules in place, so you should approach the administrators as soon as you find out. Talking to the bully's parents is also a possibility, but the bully is more likely to find out who told on him. If none of these tactics work, you may have to accept that children do get bullied and have to learn to stand up for themselves. Don't just toss him to the wolves, however. Teach them how.
Don't let them worry about death - Although this is nearly impossible for a child who has experienced the loss of a close loved one, you should definitely pursue this tactic against a child who is worrying about death simply because it is something to worry about. Yes, death is the end of all things, and yes, it does eventually get us all. She should be assured, however, that she is going to live a long and happy life, give birth to lots of babies and eventually be the matriarch of her own empire of descendents. Assure them that death is not something you worry about until you're in your 80s. This is obviously a fierce exaggeration of the truth, but children don't need to be overburdened with too much truth.

Although they don't face the issues that you do, kids do have demands in their lives. Stress is simply their bodies' ways of dealing with those demands and coping with their abilities' to meet them. With a savvy dad on their side, however, kids can meet those demands with as little worry as possible.

Raising Kids of Strong Character: Integrity

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:15:28 -0700

The word "integrity" seems to be an abstract ideal in our society. Everybody has a different idea about what it actually means. Maybe that's because it's been a disappearing quality in recent generations. But as a parent, teaching your child how to act with integrity is vital for their development. You don't want your child to become a person who breaks promises, lies and has no concern for others. After all, you're raising a child, not a politician. Luckily, there are some things you can do to prevent your child from growing up and appearing on "Cops" or "Jerry Springer." Follow these suggestions to raise a child that is full of integrity.

Know what the word "integrity" means. The term means more than just being honest. Integrity refers to a person's innermost characteristics and staying true to their beliefs. People who have integrity say what they mean and mean what they say. True integrity comes from honesty, taking personal responsibility and adhering to a code of moral values. You can't just throw around the word "integrity" and expect your child to know what it means if you don't know what it means yourself.
Be the example. Children learn their character traits best by watching others. Who better to watch than their father? Fathers are the role models in the household and they need to act that way. If you're doing shady business deals, cheating on your taxes or not practicing what you're preaching, your children will see that and pick it up as one of their traits as well. Even everyday things like running red lights when nobody is around, leaving a small tip for your waitress or taking the extra change that the cashier at the grocery store gives you shows a lack of integrity, too. Although these might seem like trivial things to you, they can still have a huge impact on an observant child. If you're going to act without integrity, don't let your children see it. The best thing to do is just act with integrity all the time - even when they're not watching.
Keep your promises. A child's memory is unbelievable. They might not remember to eat their vegetables in the cafeteria at school, but they'll remember two weeks ago when you said you'd take them to the baseball game. If you break that promise, they're going to remember it for years (and maybe even a lifetime). Keeping your word is part of showing integrity, so be sure to follow through with your promises at all costs. If it's just impossible to keep your promise, discuss the situation with your child and see if they'll let you "off the hook." But make sure this is more of the exception rather than the rule when you say you'll do something.
Teach friendship skills. Socializing and interacting with other children will do wonders for teaching them integrity. If you have young children, supervise their playtime and make sure they share with other children. Make sure they understand the benefits of sharing so they'll be sure to do it even when you're not around. For older children, teach them the differences between being a "good friend" who has concern for others and being a "bad friend" or an acquaintance. By using friendships as teaching moments, your child will learn that a huge part of integrity is to treat others the same way they'd like to be treated themselves.
Instill empathy and compassion. These are two main characteristics of integrity because it teaches children to put themselves in "someone else's shoes." It also gives them an idea of how other people feel in situations where there is a lack of integrity. If you catch your child making fun of another child on the playground, try to get them to understand how that other child feels when they get ridiculed. If you find out that your child's friend has a sick family member, ask your child how they would feel if one of their family members were sick. By doing this, your child might have a totally different perspective on their actions and show more integrity when dealing with these types of situations.
Don't turn the TV off. Well, turn it off sometimes. But watching TV with your child provides a plethora of teaching moments for teaching your children integrity and character-driven values. When you see Britney Spears or Paris Hilton frolicking around half naked, it's a great moment to teach your daughter why that type of behavior is unacceptable. When your son sees his favorite ball player being questioned about steroid abuse, it's a great time to explain why drugs are dangerous and unacceptable. You can also find everyday examples all around you if you just look for them. Whenever you see something that conflicts with the core values you want your child to have, point it out to your child and explain why they shouldn't do that. Don't intentionally expose your children to the bad behavior, though. There's no need to rent rated-R movies or take your child to "the wrong side of town" when you can find dozens of teaching moments surrounding you every day.
Use your faith. If you belong to a church, use the values from your faith to instill a sense of integrity into your children's character. Churches and religious materials are known for teaching character and integrity. Many parents teach their children that they can go to heaven if they live a life of integrity. If this works with your child, use it. But it's also good for them to see a group of people living the same values that you're trying to teach them at home.
Teach individuality. Many kids will get into trouble by simply following the crowd. They don't want to be different because they want acceptance from their peers. But you can teach your child that being different is also a great character trait. They don't have to be like everybody else to have integrity and they certainly don't have to break the law or get into trouble to be "cool."

It's up to you to teach your kids about integrity. If you don't, the media and their friends will teach them completely opposite values. Think of it as a non-violent fight between you and "them" for your child's character, values and traits. By being an example and using the mentioned suggestions, you're much more likely to win the fight. The important thing is that you give it your best shot and hope for the best. Even our best efforts can fail, but no effort at all is certain to fail indeed.

Raising Kids of Strong Character: Sense of Humor

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:08:14 -0700

How many dads does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll never know, because he'll lower the ceiling to install a new fixture, replumb the entire bathroom, redo all the wiring and install a new floor before he gets around to it.

Everyone loves to laugh and even stupid jokes are fun. In fact, humor and laughter may be the world's oldest and greatest form of entertainment. A love of laughter, however, does a lot more than just feel good. A sense of humor makes a person more likable, which in turn helps both professional and interpersonal success. Polls say it is one of the most important traits that mates look for, and studies show it is one of the key factors in marriages that stay together. In addition, humor helps mental and emotional development. It develops creative thinking, increases alertness, and assists in managing emotions and reducing stress. It even helps our health, reducing heart attacks, clearing respiratory passages, speeding recoveries, reducing pain, and decreasing the sizes of welts. Plus, experts say that a hundred belly laughs is the aerobic equivalent of ten minutes on a rowing machine. Clearly, laughing with your kids and helping your kids love to laugh is one of the most fun-and most important-parts of being a dad. Perhaps some of the below tips will help you laugh with your kids, help your kids develop a sense of humor, and help you both lead a lifetime of laughing together.

Laugh with your child daily. A love of laughter is addictive so make an effort to get your kids laughing every single day. Even if you are usually the only one laughing at your jokes, having kids is your big chance to finally get a receptive audience for your comedic genius. That's because kids laugh when other people are laughing just to be part of the group, so you don't even have to be funny. Just make laughter a priority and go for quantity over quality. As long as you are enjoying yourself, your kids will join in the fun.
Find the types of humor that work. Every kid at each stage of development will think something different is funny. Toddlers might like funny faces. Five-year-olds might enjoy silly make-believe like pretending you don't know where she is when she is standing right in front of you. Bodily function jokes are the meat-and-potatoes of the universal language of laughter if you are willing to take the low road. And, honestly, most of our senses of humor haven't matured past seventh grade, so it won't take long for our kids to catch up. So just go with the flow, find what's funny for you, and see what makes your kid laugh at each age.
Don't take yourself too seriously. Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot-in fact, your own ridiculous behavior or stupid mistakes might be your funniest asset. You spill water on your shirt while you are drinking-you could swear, and stomp off to get a paper towel. Or you can yell "My shirt is thirsty," and dump the rest of the glass on yourself-a guaranteed laugh. Pretty much any situation that proves Daddy is a moron is sure to keep kids (and wives) laughing again and again.
Use humor to lighten the mood. Sometimes the best way to fix a bad mood is with laughter. Humor reduces stress and smoothes out tension. Keep some jokes in your head to tell your kids for when you are in a long line at the grocery store. Laugh together after a fight. Think of funny games to play for when you are stuck in traffic. Humor is the best medicine for any situation.
Encourage appropriate humor. It will be embarrassing when your seven-year-old says in public "Did you hear the funny joke about the rabbi, priest, and the preacher who walked into a strip club?" So use good sense yourself about what is appropriate to share with your kids. If you do use potty humor, explain when and why certain jokes are best kept within the family. When your kids do something funny and appropriate, give them positive feedback by laughing at their jokes.

Because kids learn humor by example, making that extra effort to play pretend, act silly, or remember a funny joke, will help your kids develop one of life's greatest joys. You'll be rewarded too; your kids' laughter and tomfoolery is priceless. So seek out laughter and encourage humor-a life of laughter is guaranteed to be a great one.

Savvy Life Skill: Making Value-Based Decisions

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:03:49 -0700

A savvy dad has many, many jobs. These jobs (e.g., protecting your kids from harm, teaching them about money, allowing them to fail in controlled environments) are all part of a larger, over-arching plan to build a foundation of stability underneath your child. This foundation will allow her to grow into a stable, healthy adult who values herself and makes value-based decisions.

Teaching your child to make the best decisions for him or herself is, obviously, not as simple as teaching them to tie their shoes. It's a life-long lesson, one that begins when the child can speak and doesn't end even when she's out the door and headed off for college. It requires that your family have a strong moral pcenter, and that you as a parent have continuously set good examples and have held your children up to high moral standards.

Many parents, however, face a crucial problem when trying to impart good decision-making skills on their children. Rather than teach them how to make good decisions, these parents simply tell their children which decisions to make. This is somewhat equivalent to trying to teach your child how to do math by solving all the problems for her. Instead of teaching her how to avoid bad decisions and make good ones in general, they are teaching her which good decisions to make in specific. The problem with this theory is there's no way for any parents to cover every possible choice that children, teenagers and future adults may be faced with. Even if the child follows every good decision she's been taught to the letter, what will she do when she comes upon a decision to which her parents haven't told her how to react?

The skills to make good decisions have to be ingrained at a young age. A study by Students Against Drunk Driving and Liberty Mutual showed that a parent's influence over their child's decision-making abilities sharply decreases as they age; by the time they hit their teenage years, your influence is virtually non-existent.

Kids, as well, are under more and more pressure to make bad decisions by their peers at younger ages. The same study showed that among 1,800 elementary and high school students across the nation:

one in four sixth graders was sexually active
drug use increases significantly between eighth and ninth grade, and
by 12^th grade, more than three in four teens are drinking and sexually active and more than half report using drugs.

Give them the information they need - People make decisions based on information. We choose to take part in activities when we've found out what they are and what their possible effects on us could be. If we're being fed false or skewed information, however, our decisions are unsound. In many cases, teenagers take part in dangerous activities because they're curious about things of which they know very little. You cannot expect your teenager to make sound, well-informed decisions if you don't provide him with the information to do so. If, for instance, you simply tell her, "Sex is bad; don't do it," you can't expect her loyalty to your rules to overrule her curiosity. Experts say you should begin demystifying the allure of dangerous activities by telling your kids about them. Show them what can happen (like drunk-driving accidents, overdoses, teen pregnancy), but don't make it a tragedy. If you go too over-the-top, your kids will sense it. Be straight-forward; yes, it can be fun, but it can also be very, very dangerous and it can ruin your life.
Have high expectations - If you expect big things from your children, they will expect big things from themselves: it is that simple. The possibility of disappointing a loving, excited savvy dad is much more scary than being grounded. Don't expect the world of your kids, however; be realistic. Help them to stay focused on concise, attainable goals, and make sure they know that drinking and doing drugs are not compatible with those achievements. Teach them to look at every decision they make in terms of what goals they have and what they expect of themselves. If they want to be track stars, then smoking cigarettes should be a blatant example of what they shouldn't be doing. If they want to go on and become professional businesspeople, then doing drugs and getting arrested will be a detriment to their dreams.
Don't expect more than you put in - Again, this is pretty simple: you can't expect your children to make the right choices if you're not willing to put the time in to coach them. If you're an absentee dad (whether in physical presence or emotional presence), you have no right to get angry when they do something that you don't approve of. Kids aren't mind readers. They need guidance and support, and if you're unwilling to give that to them, you can't expect them to come out the other end of the peer pressure gauntlet as a paragon of virtue.
Set a good example - Just as before, this is a matter of hypocrisy. If you spend your evenings swigging away on a bottle, cavorting with random women on a rotating basis and having drug parties in the garage, you'll be a fool to expect your children to do otherwise. As far as they know, theirs is the normal life. If you raise them in a dangerous environment where illegal activities are common, that is the type of environment that's going to feel most like home to them. On the other hand, if you raise them in a wholesome, loving environment, then the illegal activities their friends are pushing them to take part in will stand in stark contrast.

Value-based decisions are invaluable to a healthy life; they literally can mean the difference between life and natural selection. Educate your children properly, hold high expectations of them and teach them to make decisions that reflect their values and yours.