Send to Friend

Your kid comes home crying after a disagreement with a classmate. Your first thought is probably, "I hope those cage fighting lessons are finally paying off." But despite her prowess in The Octagon, your child may also end up in some situations - like jobs and relationships - where conflicts arise yet submission holds are discouraged. And it is for those situations that our kids must learn conflict management, a skill that studies have linked with lower verbal and physical aggression, increased self-confidence, and greater success at school, work, and home. You can help your child succeed and feel confident by working on the following exercises, which will give your kid the skills to turn almost any conflict into a productive disagreement.

1. Be the emotional leader. If emotions are heated, conflicts won't get resolved. But it only takes one person to defuse an emotionally charged situation. By using a technique child psychologists call "emotional coaching," you can teach your kid to be that calming force with less emotionally mature classmates (or teachers). When your child becomes angry, sad, or frustrated, coach him to put his feelings into words. After attaching a word to a feeling enough times, he can realize how that feeling affects him. With practice, even a young child can say, "I feel angry. I'm not supposed to argue when I am angry."

2. Listen. The most important conflict management skill you can teach your children is listening (or at least how to pretend). Listening sets a cooperative tone and allows the parties to determine the issues. Listening alone can even end conflicts -- people often have interpersonal spats only to get their feelings acknowledged. Explain to your child that most people feel they've been listened to if the listener rephrases what the speaker says, acknowledges the speaker's point of view, and elicits more information through appropriate questions. You can get your kids to practice good listening by pushing them to use these skills with you. Try asking them, "What do you hear me saying?"

3. Determine the issue. Research shows that by first grade kids can easily recognize and articulate the cause of a conflict. Frankly, it doesn't take a genius to observe little Timmy screaming about a cookie and say, "Timmy is upset that he can't have a cookie." But fights tend to get stuck in arguments about people (i.e., who did what to whom) and positions (i.e., demands). These discussions aren't helpful. Productive conflicts require conversations about interests, or what each person needs to feel satisfied. Help your kids learn to spot the underlying issues and interests by encouraging them to name what would make each side happy in a conflict.

4. Learn to articulate goals specifically and non-aggressively. Despite amazon.com's 32,164 books on assertiveness, adults can't seem to find the courage to tell a colleague nicely, "Would you mind closing your office door when you use the speakerphone for your fantasy football draft?" Kids, on the other hand, can say, "I want the truck!" How refreshing! But remind them that the key to conflict resolution is phrasing everything with "I" not "you." In other words, "You are being selfish," causes conflicts while, "I'd like to play with the truck too," explains the problem that needs to be resolved.

5. Negotiate creative solutions. This is by far the hardest part of conflict management for kids to learn. They have trouble thinking of how everyone can get their way. You're going to have to be the one to break the bad news to your kids: people can't get everything they want all the time (although it seems wives didn't get this memo). Yet great solutions can still be found. You can help your kids learn to imagine various creative compromises by asking "What if?" For example, let's say your daughter is arguing with a classmate over how to divide up the work for a school project. Try getting your daughter to come up with 5 "What ifs?" "What if you do the research and make the graphs, and she writes the report?" "What if you both work on everything together?" Asking "What if?" forces your kids to brainstorm possible scenarios that might maximize each sides' interests. Along the way, your child will start to see that the solutions all involve some give and some take, so it's just a matter of finding the optimal balance.

6. Avoid bullies. Explain that not all conflicts can be resolved. Bullies, for example, have conflicts just for the sake of having conflicts, and dispute management with them simply won't work. Teach your children that the best way to avoid conflicts with bullies is to simply walk away without engaging, and, if it is a serious conflict, get an adult involved. You can then show your kids how to sign the bully's parents up to thousands of telemarketing lists, and you can explain why toilet paper sticks best if it is thrown into the trees right before it rains.

Your kids will be able to turn almost any conflict into a compromise by practicing these skills. But the most important part of teaching good behavior is modeling it. You can talk about listening and negotiating until your son sounds like a Dr. Phil wind-up doll, but if he sees you chew out the dry cleaner for your ruined pants, he will think yelling is an effective way to resolve a conflict. So remember, encourage good listening, help identify interests, discuss methods to find creative solutions, coach your children to recognize their emotions, and, for heaven's sake, send your son to the car before you rip into that idiot drycleaner.