Submitted by tony on March 30, 2008 - 3:03pm.
A savvy dad has many, many
jobs. These jobs (e.g., protecting your kids from harm, teaching them about
money, allowing them to fail in controlled environments) are all part of a
larger, over-arching plan to build a foundation of stability underneath your
child. This foundation will allow her to grow into a stable, healthy adult who
values herself and makes value-based decisions.
Teaching your child to make
the best decisions for him or herself is, obviously, not as simple as teaching
them to tie their shoes. It's a life-long lesson, one that begins when the
child can speak and doesn't end even when she's out the door and headed off for
college. It requires that your family have a strong moral pcenter, and that you
as a parent have continuously set good examples and have held your children up
to high moral standards.
Many parents, however, face
a crucial problem when trying to impart good decision-making skills on their
children. Rather than teach them how to make good decisions, these parents
simply tell their children which decisions to make. This is somewhat equivalent
to trying to teach your child how to do math by solving all the problems for
her. Instead of teaching her how to avoid bad decisions and make good ones in
general, they are teaching her which good decisions to make in specific. The
problem with this theory is there's no way for any parents to cover every
possible choice that children, teenagers and future adults may be faced with.
Even if the child follows every good decision she's been taught to the letter,
what will she do when she comes upon a decision to which her parents haven't
told her how to react?
The skills to make good
decisions have to be ingrained at a young age. A study by Students
Against Drunk Driving and Liberty Mutual showed that a parent's influence over
their child's decision-making abilities sharply decreases as they age; by the
time they hit their teenage years, your influence is virtually non-existent.
Kids, as well, are under
more and more pressure to make bad decisions by their peers at younger ages.
The same study showed that among 1,800 elementary and high school students
across the nation:
- one
in four sixth graders was sexually active
- drug
use increases significantly between eighth and ninth grade, and
- by
12th grade, more than three in four teens are drinking and sexually
active and more than half report using drugs.
- Give them the information they need - People make decisions
based on information. We choose to take part in activities when we've found out
what they are and what their possible effects on us could be. If we're being
fed false or skewed information, however, our decisions are unsound. In many
cases, teenagers take part in dangerous activities because they're curious
about things of which they know very little. You cannot expect your teenager to
make sound, well-informed decisions if you don't provide him with the
information to do so. If, for instance, you simply tell her, "Sex is bad; don't
do it," you can't expect her loyalty to your rules to overrule her curiosity.
Experts say you should begin demystifying the allure of dangerous activities by
telling your kids about them. Show them what can happen (like drunk-driving
accidents, overdoses, teen pregnancy), but don't make it a tragedy. If you go
too over-the-top, your kids will sense it. Be straight-forward; yes, it can be
fun, but it can also be very, very dangerous and it can ruin your life.
- Have high expectations - If you expect big things from your
children, they will expect big things from themselves: it is that simple. The possibility of disappointing a loving,
excited savvy dad is much more scary than being grounded. Don't expect the
world of your kids, however; be realistic. Help them to stay focused on
concise, attainable goals, and make sure they know that drinking and doing
drugs are not compatible with those achievements. Teach them to look at every
decision they make in terms of what goals they have and what they expect of
themselves. If they want to be track stars, then smoking cigarettes should be a
blatant example of what they shouldn't be doing. If they want to go on and
become professional businesspeople, then doing drugs and getting arrested will
be a detriment to their dreams.
- Don't expect more than you put in - Again, this is pretty
simple: you can't expect your children to make the right choices if you're not
willing to put the time in to coach them. If you're an absentee dad (whether in
physical presence or emotional presence), you have no right to get angry when
they do something that you don't approve of. Kids aren't mind readers. They
need guidance and support, and if you're unwilling to give that to them, you
can't expect them to come out the other end of the peer pressure gauntlet as a
paragon of virtue.
- Set a good example - Just as before, this is a matter of hypocrisy.
If you spend your evenings swigging away on a bottle, cavorting with random
women on a rotating basis and having drug parties in the garage, you'll be a
fool to expect your children to do otherwise. As far as they know, theirs is
the normal life. If you raise them in a dangerous environment where illegal
activities are common, that is the type of environment that's going to feel
most like home to them. On the other hand, if you raise them in a wholesome,
loving environment, then the illegal activities their friends are pushing them
to take part in will stand in stark contrast.
Value-based decisions are
invaluable to a healthy life; they literally can mean the difference between
life and natural selection. Educate your
children properly, hold high expectations of them and teach them to make
decisions that reflect their values and yours.