Savvy Daddy Blog

by Phil Stott

Do-over? Done.
 
Wow. Not even a week since I wrote about wanting a Father's Day do-over, and I've already had it. (In fact, as I write, it's not even a week since Father's Day.) Sure, my special day do-over lasted a mere two hours, and involved standing in a horrendously uncomfortable spot atop a bench in the middle of Manhattan, peering through a chain link fence, but it was one of the best breaks from my usual routine that I could have come up with. It also fulfilled almost all the rules I laid out in my previous post, in that it was centered around a sporting event, and allowed me to take a break from the stresses and routine of my everyday life. The only thing missing, in fact, was my couch!

The event: Showdown in Chinatown, a charity soccer game featuring some of the top players in world soccer, and several stars from the NBA. The time: right as I was supposed to finish work, meaning I had to sneak out early (another bonus for a "special" day-if it feels illicit, it heightens the enjoyment). The place: a shabby soccer field smack in the middle of Chinatown.

Now in its second year, the game is jointly organized by NBA star Steve Nash (who, it turns out, is almost as good with a ball at his feet as he is with one in his hands), and former US national soccer star Claudio Reyna. Also in attendance were the likes of Thierry Henry, fresh from winning the UEFA Champion's League (European soccer's premier competition-the equivalent of the Super Bowl) with Barcelona, Salomon Kalou of Chelsea, Mathieu Flamini of AC Milan, Inter Milan's Javier Zanetti, Dutch legend Edgar Davids, and several more luminaries of the game. From the basketball side, meanwhile, were the likes of Grant Hill, Tony Park, and a guy called Chris Bosh, who may well be a talented basketball player, but clearly hasn't ever used his feet for much more than standing on! (If you have any doubts, check out this video footage of the game, courtesy of the New York Post).

Now, I will confess that I was a little apprehensive about attending the game-and family was the main reason. My usual routine when I finish work is to jump on the subway, then transfer to my commuter train and head straight for home-a journey that takes around 90 minutes, and usually sees me home around 7:30, some 12 hours after I leave in the morning, approximately 15 minutes before Maeve goes to bed, and around 3 hours before my wife and I usually hit the sack. Any variation, therefore, means that I don't get to see Maeve before she goes to sleep, and really cuts into my time with my wife-things that I'm not willing to sacrifice without a very good reason. As it turns out, my list of reasons includes getting the opportunity to stand within six feet of some of the best soccer players on the planet!

Once I'd decided to go to the game-and cleared the decision with my wife-any feelings of guilt quickly disappeared, and the holiday feeling kind of took over. The soccer helped-despite the guys playing at half speed, there were some incredible skills on display-but it was more than that. Partly, it was the break from the routine; the feeling (one that I remember from before becoming a parent) that I had nowhere to be, and nothing to worry about except my own entertainment-even if it only for a couple of hours.

Partly, though, it was watching a bunch of some of the fittest, best-paid guys in the world having an absolute blast kicking a ball around like a bunch of kids, In doing so, I came to a couple of realizations: first, that most of the guys out there were younger than me, and making a living in a way I'd always dreamed of-a thought that came with not a little side order of regret. It was accompanied, though, with the additional realization that, while I might envy their abilities and lifestyle, I wouldn't trade it for my family life. Now if that isn't a lesson to take from Father's Day-or a do-over-I don't know what is.

by Tony Chen

You may have seen that we here at Savvy Daddy have recently added a distinguished Panel of Experts. You can see their bios here, but basically these folks are profs, physicians, clinicians, and academics that are savvy gurus on topics relevant to us dads trying to raise great kids.  These experts have been gracious enough to answer real questions from real dads - email me your questions (tony at savvydaddy dot com) and I'll be passing along the most relevant & compelling questions to them.  Today, we are honored to present to you Dr. Russell Robertson, Chairman of Family & Community Medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University.  

Dad Question: What's your take on the explosion of ADHD in America?  Are we diagnosing this disease correctly?  Why do you think most ADHD cases are boys?

Robertson: We had dinner with good friends recently.  The husband had just retired from a high ranking position at a Fortune 500 company.  He described his behavior as a young boy as one that would have surely labeled him as ADHD and likely in today's world, would have found him on prescription medications.  Yet many of his "ADHD" behaviors made him highly productive and successful at multitasking.  He routinely answered over 300 emails per day.

My concern is that the energy and vitality of young boys is wrongly and often assumed to be ADHD as opposed to behaviors that indicate a high degree of intelligence and curiosity.  Teachers (I was an elementary school and junior high school teacher) are often frustrated in dealing with these children and often because their classrooms are an increasingly challenging environment made more so by children who are presumed to be easily distracted.

Instead, I would ask parents and teachers to re-direct rather than attempt to suppress these behaviors.  These boys, and they are mostly boys, are high energy kids and need to be exercised physically and mentally. They are like racehorses.  Sitting them in front of a computer screen to play games or in front of a TV, while temporarily distracting, is not good for them at all.  Make sure your kids are well exercised.  Playing with them at home is a great thing to do.  Ride bikes, play basketball, run with them.  This is great bonding time as well.  Challenge their intellects by learning more about their interests and then help them to engage in focusing on completing tasks.  Only children with the most disruptive behavior should be evaluated for medications and even then, I would look for mental health providers who have a reputation for being stingy with medications.

I would also recommend a book my wife found for me to read. It is called, "The War Against Boys" by Susanna Hoff Summers - a fabulous read!
 
Dad Question: What's your take on the growing trend of parents refusing to have their children vaccinated for fear of negative side-effects (e.g. autism)?  There seems to be "solid scientific evidence" on both sides of the argument, or is there?

Robertson: By way of example, in the early 70's, the vaccine for pertussis was not as pure as it could have been and there were children who did have reactions, some that were severe.  In the United Kingdom, a number of parents chose not to vaccinate their children for pertussis as a response.  Subsequently, the number of children who died from pertussis easily outnumbered those who had been having reactions.

What is happening at the present is a truly dangerous trend that is endangering the lives of millions of children.  Because the first vaccines for measles are not given until the age of 15 months, all children under this age are at risk of contracting measles from unvaccinated children.  World wide, over 200,000 children died from measles in 2007 and as new cases continue to appear in the US, there will inevitably be preventable deaths.

While having a child with autism is a challenge beyond my imagining and understanding that the desire to locate a treatable cause is understood, after numerous studies, there is NO EVIDENCE that vaccines are a cause of autism.  Further, it is irresponsbile to perseverate the notion that vaccines are a cause and to choose not to have your children vaccinated. 

Dad Question:  How did you keep your promises to your wife and kids about being at games, etc?  How did you handle it if you had a work emergency to attend to?

Robertson: As a physician, I learned that I needed to take every opportunity to control my schedule.  I also did a great deal of reading early in my years as a Dad about what I would call "unintentional narcissism:, i.e. the notion that my presence at work or with my patients was essential. If one is not careful, this is an easy trap into which one can fall, regardless of your profession. 

In the final analysis and in almost every situation, work was the place where I was most replaceable, not home.  There are no "do overs" with your wife and children.  Time accelerates as your children grow and I did not want to be like many of my colleagues whose careers were successful, but their personal and family lives were in ruins.

I made an effort to schedule everything and then to stick to it.  That way, when there truly was an emergency, it was understood and accommodated.  I also worked very hard to make no promises that I was not able to keep. 

The other thing to keep in mind is that prioritizing family over one's work should not be considered a sacrifice!  This is your wife for all time and your children.  How could you not value them above all else!

Have a question for Dr. Robertson?  Send your questions to me via email (tony at savvydaddy dot com).

by Phil Stott

Am I ever glad that Father's Day is over.  Maybe it's because I live on Long Island, where the weather ruined just about every plan I could've made for the day (not to mention most of the month of June): not only did it prevent me from road-testing the new barbecue tools that showed up gift-wrapped in the morning, it also ruined the tradition I had going of watching the final round of the US Open. And, on top of all that, we had to make a trip to the mall. On a Sunday afternoon. To return stuff. Not the most fun that can be had on a day held in your honor, let me tell you.

Still, it's not like it was all bad. The lie-in was most appreciated, as were the gifts, the special breakfast (calories on top of calories, dusted with sugar, and some apple thrown in for the pretence of health), and the entire concept of the day, which my wife did her best to ensure was all about me (hence the tradition of watching golf all day-no way that'd fly any other day of the year!). My biggest problem was that no-one told Maeve. Far from treating the day as one where Dad gets to relax and put in some solid time molding his shape into the couch cushions, she took it as an opportunity to put her little personality into overdrive.

Sure, parts of it were cute: like the 30 minute journey to the mall, where she serenaded my wife and I with a song about how the muffins were all gone. (It went something like "muuufffffiiiiinnnn, muuuuffffffiiiiiinnnnn, mmmmuuufffffffiiiiiiinnnn, all gone"-not exactly Lennon and McCartney, but not bad for a 19-month old that hasn't so much as seen a muffin in over a week.) Parts of it, though, were downright awful. Like the high-pitched-and high-volume-screaming that seemed to start the second we got into the mall, and didn't end until we were home. And we're not talking a typical meltdown here either-it was more like a campaign of sustained psychological warfare; like she knew that what she was doing was pushing our buttons, and wanted to see how far she could take it. You could see it in her eyes, not to mention the way she'd stop just long enough for you to conjure up the possibility of a thought that wasn't solely about her screaming, and then let out another ear-piercer.

I don't rank Maeve as a particularly high-maintenance child, but there are days where, like most kids, she can be a little tougher than usual. Then there are days where it seems like there's nothing you can do to make her happy. Then there are days like Father's Day, where you wonder how anyone ever coined the old rhyme about girls being made of "sugar and spice and all things nice." Unless the spice is grade A chili, and "all things nice" includes some seriously sour vinegar, of course!

Because of all of that-and because I suspect I wasn't alone in actually having to be more of a proper hands-on Dad on Father's Day than on just about any other day this year-I'm declaring a whole new holiday aimed at a pretty specific sub-group. It's called the "Father's Day Do-Over," and can be taken in the event of the original holiday being a washout. Recommended activities include scheduling it around a can't-miss sporting event (I'm thinking the Wimbledon final, but that'll depend if my countryman Andy Murray makes it or not), and getting someone else to look after the kids for the day. Who knows, if it's a success, maybe I'll roll it out to include other holidays. While it typically wouldn't extend as far as second sets of gifts, it could definitely be invoked if you make the mistake of giving your wife a new iron or kitchen implement for Christmas or a birthday. And it would definitely be on the cards for Thanksgiving; who doesn't want the opportunity to add another food coma onto their calendar?

by Phil Stott

In my last couple of posts I've covered a couple of subjects related to taking kids on a (relatively) pain-free road trip: planning before you go, and in-car entertainment systems (otherwise known as using your imagination). Here, then, is the concluding part of the series-five destinations that are more than worth the journey, even if the young 'uns scream all the way there.

1) The Grand Canyon

Make no mistake about it: if you live in the continental United States and you haven't visited the Grand Canyon, you're missing out in a big way. I'd attempt to describe the feeling of standing on the edge of it and marveling at its sheer size, but "awe-inspiring"-or any other words-just don't get the job done. Worth the trip by itself, it's hard to imagine anyone (kid or adult) whose imagination won't be sparked in some way by one of the most spectacular sights nature has to offer. While it's possible to see it on a day trip as part of a general tour of the Southwest, it would definitely be worth staying nearby (or even in the park) and spending a few days trying to come to terms with the scale of the thing. Bonus for adults: The mountain town of Sedona, AZ is just a couple of hours away. Think spectacular red rock formations, upscale spas, and some great hiking-and plenty of family-friendly things to do to boot.

2) Washington, D.C.

Does it need any introduction? Indeed, D.C. was such an obvious choice for inclusion that I almost left it off the list altogether; no-one needs to be told to go to the nation's capital and show their kids where the President lives, or where the laws get passed, or all the monuments, tombs, libraries and museums, right? In a place with such an embarrassment of riches, the only reason I did include it was to mention that a) hotels will be slightly more expensive and harder to come by and b) both Philadelphia and Colonial Williamsburg are within a couple of hours, and are also great stops on a road trip. The former for loading up on yet more American history, and the latter for, well, the same, but with the added attraction of a period town and a theme park. (Hint: cut costs by skipping the entry fee, especially if your kids are museum-ed out-the fee only allows access to a few of the buildings. Wandering the "town" itself is free.)

3) Yellowstone National Park (Wyoming)

Old Faithful. Hot springs. Wolves. Bears. Elk. Yellowstone's really all about timing in what there is to see, but even if you don't come across any of the park's "advertised" features, it's still worth the visit. Of course, there's plenty of hiking, and it has its own Grand Canyon to boot. To make more of a trip of it, meanwhile, the cowboy (or, to be more accurate, cowboy-theme) town of Jackson Hole is a little over an hour away, and is right next to Grand Teton National Park-another worthwhile piece of sightseeing.

4) Florida

Okay, so every child in the country knows that a trip to Florida means Disney World. And Universal Studios. And endless hordes of British tourists-for which I can only apologize on behalf of my country. There's a whole lot more to the state than that, however, with most of the attractions having precious little to do with Orlando. Like the Everglades (think airboat rides, kayaking, alligators, mangrove forests, and much, much more). Or the Keys (scuba diving, more kayaking, pretty much all water sports, in fact). In fact, the state just seems to gets more fun the further south you travel-although that may be something to do with the fact that Jacksonville's in the north. (Sorry Jacksonville!)

5) Wisconsin

So I know this might not seem like the most obvious choice, but it fulfils two key criteria for me. First, I wanted to include somewhere in the Midwest. And, second, my wife is from Wisconsin, and I wanted to keep the in-laws happy! Seriously, though, as an outsider I can report that there's enough to do in the state to keep the average road-tripping family happy for as long as they want to stay. Whether it's catching a Brewers game at Miller Park (tickets almost always available), checking out some of the finest work done by Frank Lloyd Wright, eating the best brats and drinking some of the best beer you'll find this side of Germany, taking the kids to the Wisconsin Dells, exploring the great outdoors at Devil's Lake State Park or getting up north to check out scenic Door County, there's a ton of stuff to enjoy.

by Tony Chen

You may have seen that we here at Savvy Daddy have recently added a distinguished Panel of Experts. You can see their bios here, but basically these folks are profs, physicians, clinicians, and academics that are savvy gurus on topics relevant to us dads trying to raise great kids.  These experts have been gracious enough to answer real questions from real dads - email me your questions (tony at savvydaddy dot com) and I'll be passing along the most relevant & compelling questions to them.  Today, we are honored to present to you Michael Gurian, a NYT best selling author of 25 books about parenting children in our culture.

Dad Question: In your book THE PURPOSE OF BOYS, you mention that 85% of the world's Ritalin is given to boys in the U.S.?  Why do you think that is the case? 

Gurian:  American families are confused about what developmental path boys ought to be on.  Given what immense variety of boys there are, we become even more confused.  We forget that boys are on a different developmental path than girls, maturing concentration and focus centers in the brain somewhat later, and needing some different kinds of care than girls do in order to fully direct their "boy energy" and find their gifts, abilities, success, focus, and discipline.  Ritalin is a powerful drug that "fills in the blanks" for us when we don't know what to do with boys.  While some boys do desperately need it, most boys (especially at seven or younger) don't.  What they need is a three family system, and clearer direction toward success, purpose, service, and follow through.

Dad Question: What would you recommend I do if the teacher believes my 7-year-old son needs to be medicated?

Gurian: THE MINDS OF BOYS has a chapter that lays out five steps to take.  Included in these are:  get two opinions from two psychologists or neuro-psychologists trained in male brain development.  7 years old is VERY young to be medicating.  Watch out.  And remember, though teachers and pediatricians are brilliant people, they are generally not qualified to diagnose a boy (especially if just basing their diagnosis on personal observation) with a brain disorder.

Dad Question: I'm a little discouraged by how difficult it is going to be to raise my son well in this culture that "wars" against boys.  Do you have any words of advice and encouragement for a young dad trying to raising purposeful sons?

Gurian:  SELF-EDUCATION is key here.  There is no "tip" or "magic bullet."  Fathering and mothering both go best when we become educated on the developmental path of our child, AND THEN trust our instincts.  THE PURPOSE OF BOYS and NURTURE THE NATURE are good tools for understanding.  They and most educational tools will ultimately help a father set up a structure for child-raising, in tandem with mother and extended family, that provides:  love, attention, discipline, direction.   A couple things to add:  even if you've been fathered or parented badly, you can re-educate yourself and then trust your instincts.  The soul of the father is vast and deep and loving--we do our work as men and we come through with good instincts, at some point in life.  Another thing to add:  it is great if moms and dads DO NOT parent the same way.  Don't worry if you are strong/silent but mom is talkative/emotional or you are talkative and mom is silent.  It's great for a boy to have more than one approach to developing his own variety of gifts and approaches.
 
Dad Question:  There is so much male-bashing and dad-bashing in the media.  How do we counteract that in our homes so that our sons can grow up with a healthy self-esteem?

Gurian: To grow up with healthy self-esteem, boys need the care of mother, father, and five other strong mentors during boyhood and adolescence.  Self-esteem is built through bonding relationships and task focus in a system of caregivers that is organized or "led" by the two parents, but then also expands beyond them.  If you have set up this system for your son, you'll find that he can even go through times of abject failure (i.e. where it appears his self-esteem is crushed) and he'll come through fine.  FAILURE IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN.  We only fear that it will lead to long term downsides for boys when we don't have in place a system of many "families" caring for the boy.  A final thing to add:  as much as possible, a man has to MODEL health for his son, including healthy spiritual time.  Do spiritual things with your son, like sitting by a river and praying/meditation (or whatever fits your spirituality or religion).  Model self-care for your son.  Admit your mistakes when you make them, and lead with your strengths when the boy needs your strength.  Your sons will thank you later in life (and so will your daughters, too!)

Have a question for Michael Gurian?  Send your questions to me via email (tony at savvydaddy dot com).

by Phil Stott

So you've done all the preparations, checked the maps, got the car serviced, and you're pretty much as prepared as you think you can be to spend a few days in the car with the kids. You could be forgiven, though, if you're seeing Griswold family-style mishaps every time you close your eyes, or are having flashbacks to long boring hours spent in the back of the car when you were a kid (it's not that long ago, right?). While the options for in-car entertainment have certainly stepped up a gear or two since I was a kid (let's just say the options on offer back then were such that a fight with a sibling was something to look forward to), I'm not sold on the whole concept of letting kids watch DVDs for the duration of a journey-if you even have it as an option. Sure, they're great for getting a little peace and quiet, but with the whole world passing by right outside your window, it would be a shame for your kids to miss it all for yet another rerun of Ratatouille.


To that end, the 10 suggestions I've listed here for "in-car entertainment" are mostly of the non-electronic variety, and most can be used just as effectively on a trip to the mall as they can to the other side of the country. I'm aware, however, that the list is far from exhaustive. Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments box at the bottom.

1)      "Pe-diddle"

Everyone knows this one, right? The single best game to play at night, and it can go on for years; trying to be the first to find cars with one head- or tail-light out (and claim it by shouting "pe-diddle"). It might not score high on the list of non-stop action, but the advantage of this one is that you never know what's around the next corner. And it definitely rewards those with an interest in looking outside of the car.

2)      Road bingo

So this one's pretty simple. All you need is paper and a pen. Make up grids (three by three, or four by four are probably enough) and write a random state name in each box-remember to include nearby states that you've got more chance of seeing on plates as you're driving.  You can also just give your kids a sheet each and encourage them to write down whichever states they see (highest after a set period of time wins). Completing the full list is probably unlikely, but it would be an interesting challenge/record of your trip. For older kids, you may also want to introduce a rule where only the person who sees a plate first gets to check it off.

An alternative-but one that requires a little more preparation-is to print off picture bingo cards of objects you're likely to encounter. You can find some, plus a ton of other great ideas, at momsminivan.com.

3)      License plate math

One that can be adjusted for all ages/math levels, this basically involves using numbers on license plates to arrive at target numbers, using all the numbers on the plate.

4)      21

Some of you might remember this from drinking games in college, but trust me when I tell you that I've adapted it for use both in classrooms and on road trips, and it works. Basically, it's a memory game where the object is to count to 21, but where numbers get substituted for other things-words, snatches of song, joke challenges, whatever you like. The game goes round the car so each person playing says one number (or its equivalent) in turn. Get it wrong, you're out, and the count starts over from 1 again. Make it to 21, and the person who said the number gets to choose what changes in the nest round. I heartily recommend starting with only one or two numbers substituted out, as a) it stretches the game out and b) it gets difficult fast!

5)      The "quiet" game

Yup, that's right. A game to find out which member of the car can stay silent the longest. Not so much a game as a method of keeping your sanity at times, but highly recommended.

6)      Car color spotting

Similar to license plate bingo, it may be worth having cards made up in advance (or just paper and pens) so the kids can tally what they see.

7)      Cards

One for older kids (and especially useful if you've got more than one, otherwise you'll likely be in the back with them), many a backseat hour can be whiled away with a deck of cards, and the variety of games is almost endless. Also useful for hotel rooms, restaurants, tents and, well, just about anywhere. Warning: be prepared to break up the inevitable disputes if your kids are playing with no adult supervision!

8)      Limerick competitions

You know the rules of limericks, right(LINK)? So why not see who can come up with the best one from the names of towns flashing by you on the signs. Who knows, maybe you'll come up with something as good as this.

9)      I-spy

No, really. I know it gets irritating, but it requires no preparation, no resources, and can last for, well, as long as you can!

10)  DVDs.

I know what I said in the introduction, but I didn't say they were a bad thing per se. Chances are, if you've gone through the 9 options above, everyone in the car will be in need of a break. Plus, even the most interested, well-behaved kid needs something fun to look at if you're driving across Ohio!

by Tony Chen

You may have seen that we here at Savvy Daddy have recently added a distinguished Panel of Experts. You can see their bios here, but basically these folks are profs, physicians, clinicians, and academics that are savvy gurus on topics relevant to us dads trying to raise great kids.  These experts have been gracious enough to answer real questions from real dads - email me your questions (tony at savvydaddy dot com) and I'll be passing along the most relevant & compelling questions to them.  Without further ado, our first Savvy Daddy Expert Panelist, Bob McMurray.

Dad Question: I feel completely overwhelmed at all of the new research coming out on infant development, and honestly, I'm growing increasingly skeptical of when news media reports on "breaking research."  As a researcher yourself, what do you look for when you see new research?  How do you discern how valid it is? 

Bob McMurray, Language/Development Professor and Researcher
One of the most important things to look for in new research is how simple the story appears to be.  Development is complex.  Really complex.  There's almost never a single thing that we can pinpoint as the "cause" of anything big like language or social behavior.  On the other hand, the media has a hard time reporting on complex answers -- they really prefer the simple, single-cause studies.  So that's most of what you're likely to hear from the media.

That's not to say that there aren't good studies being reported, or that sometimes there really are simple stories about development.  But generally, you should raise an eye-brow to any researcher who claims to have a silver bullet regarding development.
 
Scientists are trained to hold lots and lots of things constant in our experiment, and only look at one thing at a time.  It's an excellent way to really figure out what's causing what.  But sometimes it warps our worldview (or the media does), in that we tend to assume that just because we found an effect of that single thing, it's the most important thing in the world.  But in actuality, it's just one of a huge number of things that affect development.

Here's an example.  We all know that breast feeding is preferred to bottle feeding (sorry to bring Mommies into this, guys!).  It's good for bonding (for Mommies, at least, does nothing for us), better nutritionally, confers some immunities, and has lots of good micronutrients (like omega-3 fatty acids) that help with brain and eye-development.  But in order to discover this, we had to run studies that kept everything constant except for whether babies were breast or bottle fed, things like the socio-economic status of the mom's, whether or not the dad is home,  the birth-weight of the babies, etc (of course we cannot really control these things, but that's a topic for another post).  When we find a small difference in cognitive abilities, then, we can can attribute it to the breast-milk.  Hooray.

Funny thing is, many of us (by us, I mean us Daddies) were bottle fed.  We turned out fine.  What's going on?  Two things. First, Well, even when you hold everything else constant, children vary.  A lot.  The studies, of course, are only reporting the average, not the individual kids.  Second, all that other stuff that was held constant mattered!  Those of us whose mom's fed us formula, were probably fed it because our pediatrician recomended it (that was the recomended practice in the 60s and 70s for many doctors).  That means that we had access to health care, and our moms were the kind of moms that really tried to follow their doctor's advice.  These things surely compensated for whatever we missed out from the breast milk. 

The bottom line: lots of things contribute to healthy babies.  But that's not what shows up in the media.  What the media sees is "Breast is best", and then comes the extremists, who make every mommy with a bottle feel terrible.  (be glad you don't have to be a part of this battle, Daddies!).

Here's another example.  Genes.  We live in a society in which the gene is king.  We like to identify the genes for this and that trait, and we've mapped out every strand of DNA in the human genome (well actually for a handful of human's genomes).  So naturally we're going to start seeing studies showing the language gene, or the intelligence gene.  I've even seen studies reporting the liberal and/or conservative genes.  It's kind of deflating -- all that work we put in to make our kids smart and successful, and it turns out that it's all set from birth.  But here's the real deal: there is no gene for language, and there is no gene for intelligence.  There are genes that are related to these things, but they may play only a small role, and the studies are designed to find the genes, not to tell us how important they are.

More importantly, all of these genes would do zilch without a body and an environment.  We're now learning how genes themselves can be controlled by the environment (that is, whether or not a gene is expressed is determined by environmental factors). So genes are necessarily only a small part of development.  Parents have a huge role to play.  But the media, in it's relentless simplification of science doesn't report it that way.  They just say that we've discovered the language genes.   So be careful reading these claims.

So whenever you are reading media reports, look for complexity!  Development is messy (particularly around meal-times) and complex, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong (or they were misquoted).

Have a question for Professor Bob?  Send your development & language development questions to me via email (tony at savvydaddy dot com)

by Phil Stott

With summer almost officially upon us, and a recession most definitely here, lots of people-and especially those with families-are looking for low-cost vacation ideas for the summer. While some 52 percent of Americans report operating on a reduced vacation budget this year, almost the same number-51 percent-report no plans to cut the duration of their vacations, according to AOL's study of U.S. vacation trends. Add in that the same survey found some that 67 percent of U.S. vacationers are planning to stay within the country, it seems like we're on the cusp of a resurgence in one of the great American vacations-the road trip. While that's likely to add a little extra strain on the nation's interstates and national parks, it's unlikely to be enough that it should put anyone off. After all, it's a big enough country to accommodate a couple of extra sets of wheels.

Given that likely surge, and the possibility that people will be heading out on their first ever road trip with their kids, I've taken the opportunity to come up with a three-part guide that covers all the basics of the genre.

This is the first part, and, like all good beginnings, deals with preparation for the trip-from things you'll need to pack to stuff you'll need to beforehand, and even a couple of recommendations for realities you'll need to accept when traveling with kids. The other two parts, meanwhile, will concern ways in which to keep your kids entertained while on the road and, of course, a list of likely destinations. Everything you'll need to get on the road this summer, in fact, apart from gas money!

5 things to do to prepare for the trip

1.      Get the car serviced before you go

This should go without saying, right? You're electing to drive your kids around the country on a trip that could easily go over the thousand mile barrier. Making sure your car's up to the task is every bit as important as, say, getting your vaccinations updated before heading off to South East Asia. Checking that the kids' car seats are up to scratch might not be a bad idea either.

2.      Plan for lots of bathroom breaks

This one's just a simple fact that you'll need to accept. Kids need to stop more frequently than adults, so allow for it. Just one thing: to minimize frustration, make sure they go before you leave, and, for multiple kids, make sure that if you're stopping for one to go, they're all going-and that goes for the adults too. Also, pay attention to signs on the roads; often they'll have information on how far you'll have to travel to hit the rest-stop after the one you're thinking about blowing by. If it's likely to take more than forty minutes to get there, it's worth checking to see if your kids need a break first.

3.      Bring your own food

I offer this advice after learning the hard way on a 1,000 mile round trip on I-90. Truck stops and highway rest areas do not a nutritious meal provide-and they can get expensive. As much as possible, stick to bringing your own food. If you're breaking the trip with an overnight somewhere, try and find a local grocery store to reload. Tip: sandwiches are pretty easy to assemble anywhere. Most pre-sliced cheeses and deli meats do pretty well for a few hours (longer in a cooler), while the ingredients for good ol'  PB&J are practically indestructible.

In addition to saving time, this can also be a much-needed budget saver, not to mention a means of ensuring that you and your kids aren't just eating junk while you're in the car. While you'll undoubtedly want some kind of unhealthy treat to help you while away the miles, packing a cooler of fresh fruit and water won't hurt either. Just be sure to keep it within easy reach, so it can be accessed without having to stop.

4.      Have a list of games ready to play in the car

Whiling away the long hours on the road can tedious, and books and DVD players (should you be fortunate enough to have them as an option) will only go so far. For that reason, planning a few in-car activities in advance can make all the difference.

5.      Bring a map (or an iPhone)

I know; this one seems obvious, right? It doesn't matter whether you're going with paper or something much more high-tech, just make sure you've got a way to track where you're going. And, if you are going to rely on an iPhone or similar device, make sure you're likely to get coverage before you wind up lost in the mountains. Even if the worst happens, though, and your map blows away or you get out of range of a 3G signal, remember that Google does a text 411 service that will send you directions. All you have to do is ask (1-800-GOOG-411).

 By Phil Stott

So my mother-in-law-Maeve's "Nana"-visited us over Memorial Day weekend and, as seems to be a pattern when you only see your relatives once in a while, identified an area where Meghan and I had given a little too much sway to Maeve. Fortunately for us, it was nothing major, and nothing to do with Maeve's behavior or development. It was, however, something that had been tugging at my subconscious, and nagging me for a solution. In short, we'd given over most of our living room to Maeve's toys, meaning that it had begun, as my mother-in-law put it, to look like a branch of Toys R Us. And it's not like we had that much room to begin with.

The thing is, I know exactly how the problem started, and I was happy with it at the time. With a newborn, there's no point in having a playroom or separate space allocated for toys and the like; you need to keep an eye on them at all times, so it makes sense to have a few things to hand that they can play with in the room where you're most comfortable and spend most of your time. In our case, that meant storing toys in a basket by the TV-an area that later became a de facto dumping ground for any and every toy that came Maeve's way-even as they became too big and way too numerous for the basket. As such, until last weekend, the major material in our living room was brightly colored plastic, in many different shapes and sizes-from rocking giraffes to dolls houses-and the place just never looked completely tidy, let alone like a house where two adults also lived.

As I mentioned above, both Meghan and I knew that this was something of a problem-we just hadn't figured out what to do about it. Or, at least, I hadn't. Meghan had a plan that I'd half listened to and then forgotten about, as the amount of work involved seemed like way too much effort-cleaning out a large closet under our stairs, furnishing it as a storage/playroom, and (the hardest part) finding new homes for all the junk that had been in there.

Once Meghan's mom arrived last week, however, I knew the game was over. Suddenly it was two people willing to do something about the problem against only my apathy, and I was easily outmaneuvered. That meant I spent a good part of my holiday weekend lifting and carrying stuff, assembling IKEA furniture, and, um, cursing as I racked up the usual litany of scrapes and injuries that seem to accompany any hands-on home improvement task. (One saving grace: I did get out of the torment of the IKEA trip by volunteering to stay home and supervise a sleeping daughter-a task that saw me catch up on some much-needed mindless internet gaming.)

Anyway, long story short: we now have a bona fide playroom for Maeve, and I can't believe the difference it's made to our house. I haven't tripped over a toy or stepped on a LEGO in my bare feet all week. It's like being on vacation! More importantly, though, Meghan and I have what feels like an oasis of adult calm in our own home again: a room where we're not constantly staring at toys even as we try to watch a movie; a place that we feel comfortable inviting other adults into, without having to apologize for the toys strewn everywhere. It's one of the best things we've done in a while, and it reminded me of an important rule that I find all too easy to forget: that being a parent doesn't have to mean giving up life as you know it. Well, that, and another one: if you've got stuff in a closet that you haven't used, thought about or even seen for over a year, it's probably safe to get of it.