Step-Dads
Every now and then (not rare) this most beautiful three-and-a-half year-old cries for her dad.
I would love to be her dad, I can identify the part of me that would love to be that for her and be seen like that by her, and I am not. And I can discern between that part which wants to be that for her and the part that simply sees how much anguish this child feels by having her parents apart. It is that part of me that wonders as to how this Being is being shaped by the situation? What world-view, what personal beliefs is she forming, is her mind, intent on self-preservation, forming for her to be ok with the world?
I recently spoke with her dad and he asked how I was doing with this transition from being a bachelor to being a father. I said that I was thoroughly enjoying it yet that I wasn’t and would never be (and have no intention of being) her father. And he said that especially as the years go by that I would be seen by her more and more as her father, or father figure. This can only be an imagination since he has no direct experience of this future yet, as of now, I deeply think it to not be true. Both the beautiful girl and I know that I am not her father and that that figure is not present (when it isn’t and that the mother is not present when the father is, which happens less) and my imagination is that that way of her seeing me will never change.
Would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this.
Re: Step-Dads
I've been a stepdad for five years now to two kids (I also have three of my own, the oldest being almost four), and I think there are a few things I can offer in the way of advice (or just experience).
Whether or not the child's father is still involved in her life makes a difference in how you approach your role. For me, the kids' father still has them every other week (they spend every school day at our house and he picks them up in the evening on his weeks).
My role is as an authority figure, an advocate for them, a role model, and a mentor. We play and joke, but I wouldn't say that I'm their friend. I'm not quite a parent to me: I don't make long-term plans for them or discipline them beyond an immediate reprimand if they're doing something obviously destructive or dangerous. If I ask them to do something like take out the trash or clean up the living room, I expect them to do it, and typically have a little better luck getting help out of them than their mom since our relationship is somewhat more simple than the relationship between a child and parent. Any sort of punishment is handled by their mom (who usually consults me, but she doesn't have to). The kids already have a dad, and while I don't care for him personally, as long as he isn't hurting the kids I respect his right to parent his own children.
It took me a while to figure out where I should be in the family social structure, but I feel like I settled on a way that works well for all of us. Sometimes, like in the case of your three and a half year-old missing her dad, the best you can do is offer sympathy. There's nothing you can do to fix it, and you can't be her dad. I have heard of cases where the stepdad replaced the dad, but that was when the dad was out of the picture entirely.
There are a couple of pitfalls to being a stepdad that I've come across. One is the natural desire to get between your wife and her ex-husband. It's not a bad idea to be with your wife if she needs to meet him, but you should let your wife do any negotiation with him. Another is trying to be too much to your stepkids. It sounds counter-intuitive, but by being someone they can count on who doesn't have the same baggage associated with a child-parent relationship, you end up being able to give them more. The stepkids usually come to me when they're hurt because it makes them feel better and more calm to have their boo-boos treated by someone who they see as being impartial. When they're really just looking for sympathy, they go to their mom. They come to me when they want the truth about something. That's not to say that my relationship with them is cold, it's just not the same as a parental realtionship. While I greatly admire the men who are big-hearted enough to love a stepchild the same way they love their own, I'm not one of those guys. I care about my stepkids, I support them emotionally and financially, but I don't have the same feelings for them that I do my own kids. It's tough when money is tight and instead of being able to buy something for my own kids, the money has to go to support someone else's children. There is no real answer for this, other than the fact that kids don't need stuff so much as they need love and wisdom. I just thought I'd mention it as a forewarning and something to think on.
A stepdad shouldn't push his beliefs on his stepkids. He should never try to influence lifelong plans or heritage-type issues (if the kid is going to play a sport, it's up to the mom and dad, not the stepdad, to decide which one). A stepkid is not your kid, it's something different, and she shouldn't be treated like your kid. It's a tough balance to maintain. So much time, energy, and money go into stepkids, but without the benefits that come with a child of your own. It's just the nature of the job. You can teach them a lot, and you can be a powerful positive force in the life of your stepkid. Unfortunately, stepparenting is unique in each case, you pretty much have to figure it out for yourself how best to do it.
I'm not sure that I've really expressed my feelings very acurrately. Despite what I sound like, I do like being a stepdad and I'm glad I'm part of their lives. I'm happy to offer any advice to you about specific problems that I can. Stepfathering doesn't have to be lonely, and I hope that you'll find people to talk to about it. It's a tough job.
Re: Step-Dads
Not having been through that experience myself, I can only speculate that what you can offer her, as an ever so important fatherly figure, will heavily outweigh the blood connection. In other words, what you are to her likely isn't as important as who you are (or can be) to her.
While my wife and I are still together, the rough times are coming on heavier and more frequent as I find myself contemplating the terms of a divorce. Amazingly, by terms, I don't mean the tangible items that we've come to own and who gets what - but the terms of our children a 3 y/o son and a 1 y/o daughter... Knowing that traditionally mom gains the day-to-day custody, I honestly don't believe that I could give up my kids that easily and become the every-other-weekend dad - I don't know how I could let it pass without weighing in and saying "I want custody", all the while knowing that my wife is a good mother and there is no reason that she's not entitled to them.
What kills me the most, as the biological father of both of our children, is thinking about not seeing both of my kids on a daily basis. Furthermore, the idea of some other man raising my children and not having a say in his moral and ethical teachings. How does a divorced father cope with such a thing?
Interested in input also. Godspeed.
Re: Step-Dads
Everyone always says how hard divorce is on kids, but I don't think I've ever heard anything specific about it other than "it makes them act out". I do have a few insights into the effect a divorce has on the kids, as something to keep in mind as you contemplate divorce.
Not only do you have a totally unknown man influencing your children when your wife remarries, if she gets full custody, that means you are bound to this guy in a most unpleasant way. If he loses his job and decides he wants to move across the country for another job, you have to follow him if you want to see your kids regularly. If you hear about a great job, house, or whatever you'd like to move closer to, you can't without giving up what little time you get with your kids. If the kids are in the hospital and you're far away, you can't help, visit, or talk with them. Your relationship with your kids is dependent on some other guy's whim, and he probably doesn't like you much.
Discipline becomes impossible. You may be able to negotiate favorable custody terms, you may have joint custody, or even full custody. But as the kids get older, they need consistent discipline. You can't do that because the kids will quickly learn that all they have to do is wait until they go to the other parent's house and the punishment goes away. Your own kids quickly turn into people you don't really know. It breaks the bond of trust and respect that kids normally have for both parents.
Where do the kids go to school? If you don't have at least joint custody, your kids may end up at some second-rate school in your ex-wife's run-down district where she moved after losing the income you provided for your family. If you can get the kids into a better school ditrict, it will mean providing transportation for them every day, to and from your ex-wife's house.
There is no reason in the world that, if you do decide to proceed with a divorce, that you shouldn't ask for custody. You can always give your ex-wife more time with the kids, but you'll never get any back. Talk to a lawyer before you announce to your wife that you want a divorce. Decisions you make now will gravely effect the court proceedings. Moving out so your kids can have a place to live seems like a kind thing to do, but the courts will interpret it as you abandoning your family.
And now for a bit of unsolicited advice. Go to a marriage counselor with the intent of making your marriage tolerable, not as a way to ask for permission to divorce. Your problems won't really go away after the divorce, and your kids will suffer from your absence, or the absence of their mother. If you can, tough it out for the kids. Your kids' are at a pretty difficult age, one that is hard on a marriage. It can get better, and it's worth the effort for your family and yourself.
To answer your actual question, the way a dad copes with some other guy influencing his kids and his own life is to grit his teeth and try not to end up in a tower with a high-powered rifle. You end up with the same sorts of problems, but with fewer options. Good luck man, and remember to try to do what's best for the family. Eventually, it may work out to be the best thing for you as well.
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