How to Help Your Toddler Overcome Separation Anxiety

One of the hardest things to do as a new dad is to watch your toddler cry as you drop them off at preschool. You know they think you're abandoning them and the vision of their teary eyes and outstretched hands just breaks your heart. It makes you never want to leave them anywhere ever again. Fortunately, though, there are some ways that you can help your toddler deal with this separation anxiety in a productive manner. Following are some "do's" and "don't's" you can do to help your toddler (and you) feel more comfortable when you have to be apart.

1. Understand why separation anxiety happens. The best thing you can do to minimize the discomfort of separation anxiety is to understand why it happens. At around six months old, infants realize that you still exist even if they can't see you. As they get older, they want to become more independent, but they still need you. Most toddlers grow out of this by age three, but some continue to have this feeling for a couple years afterwards.
   
   
2. Don't disappear. As a parent, it might be harder on you to watch your toddler cry than it is to simply slip out the door when they're not looking. But this is exactly one of the reasons that many toddlers have a problem with you leaving. Instead of pulling a Houdini, give them a hug and wave bye-bye to your toddler as you leave. This way, they know you are leaving instead of being surprised when you're suddenly not there. If you just disappear on them, they'll never want to let you out of their sight because they'll never know if you're going to leave or not.
   
   
3. Do show strength and maturity. If you don't show that you are comfortable leaving your toddler, how are they supposed to feel comfortable about it? They look to you for emotional support. But if you are crying or looking apprehensive about leaving, that's going to make them feel even more anxious about being separated. As tough as it might be, look calm and stay positive when you're getting ready to leave. It'll help your child feel more comfortable.
   
   
4. Don't make your first separation a long one. Making your first separation from your toddler an extended one could be trouble in the future. Every time you leave after that, they will think you're going to be gone for a long time. If you know you're going to take a trip or leave for an extended period of time, prepare your toddler by "working up" to that long period with shorter periods of separation.
   
   
5. Do talk to your child about being separated. Communicate with your toddler about leaving. While they might not have a large vocabulary, they still understand more than you might think they do. Tell them about the separation ahead of time so they know what to expect. Tell them where you plan on going and how long you'll be gone. The more details they have, the more accepting they will be of the experience. Also, get them excited about the separation by telling them how much fun they're going to have with the babysitter while you're gone. Be enthusiastic about leaving and your toddler will be excited as well.
   
   
6. Do allow the toddler to be the one to leave first. When you're planning a night out with your wife or friends, ask the babysitter to arrive early so they can take your toddler somewhere first. When your toddler is the one leaving the house, they generally feel less separation anxiety than if you are the one leaving the house.
   
   
7. Do develop a routine when leaving. Young children thrive on routines and repetition. That's why it's so important to develop a routine when you leave. Giving them a great big hug or kissing them on the forehead is a simple routine that only takes seconds, but it can work wonders in making them feel more comfortable about being separated. Do something that makes them smile, too. Most parents say something like, "See you later, alligator," while the toddler responds, "After awhile, crocodile." It might seem simple and corny, but it works.
   
   
8. Don't leave on a bad note. The absolute last thing you should do is leave your child after yelling at them or scolding them. Help them associate leaving with comfortable thoughts. Even if they are crying and clinging to your leg, counter that with hugs and smiles. And when you come back, make that just as pleasant.

There is no trick to avoiding separation anxiety with toddlers. Some will experience it more than others. You might even get lucky and have a toddler that looks forward to being away from you at times. As with any new experience with your children, though, communication is one of the best ways to help them learn how to deal with situations productively. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that is hard on both the toddlers and the parents.