How to Handle those Preteen Years

Something interesting happens to your sweet, innocent children when they hit their preteen years. Not interesting like a new version of your favorite arena rock song, though, but interesting like watching Dr. Jekyll painfully transform into Mr. Hyde. Somehow the loveable, heart-achingly sweet baby that you've given yourself over to raising becomes a whole new person - one that you're probably not so excited about living with.

This is a tough time for our kids, and it manifests in less-than-appealing ways. The happy, playful boy you used to know may suddenly become sullen and uncooperative. The daughter that was once desperately devoted to her father may now want nothing to do with you. A child who seemed to respect your advice may quickly become indignant about your intrusions in their life.

It's a typical situation, and you're not alone. All parents, at one point or another, find themselves grinding through each and every day, constantly at odds with the person they're raising and wondering what happened to the lovely child they once knew. Kids at this age are stuck in a rough spot, developmentally speaking. At once they are both naïve, vulnerable children and burgeoning adults, and this strange dichotomy may have you ready to tear out what is left of your hair (we all go bald, so you're not alone there, either).

This strange juggling act of child and adult is hard on the kid in question, as well. They are torn between wanting the safety and security of being a child and desperately needing the freedom and independence of an adult, and they're tremendously sensitive about both issues. Deny them the independence they need and they'll become angry and combative; treat them like they're still children and they'll resent you for not giving them enough credit.

You can't give them too much independence, however, because they're not ready and have no mechanism in place for handling it. They'll go over the top, possibly hurting themselves either physically or emotionally. At the same time, they can often act so immaturely that you can't help but treat them like they're 8 years old again.

If you find yourself caught in this battle between immaturity and perceived wisdom, here are some tips to help you weather the storm.

1. Don't give in - During this stage, your preteen will test you. She'll talk back, argue, be disrespectful and possibly even insult you. You cannot allow this to continue, and you can't give in to her demands. Make sure you express, no matter how much it takes, that this is not appropriate behavior. And no matter what, never give in to their demands when they're being combative. If they learn that you'll bend under their pressure, you'll never have the upper hand again.
   
   
2. Keep the lines of communication open - Your darling preteen will probably avoid talking to you at all costs. You're an old fogey, and there's no way you can relate to them, right? It is your responsibility to keep those lines of communication open, however, even if they're not using them. Make sure they know they can come to you for anything - anything at all.
   
   
3. Let them come to you - Because your preteens are just beginning to wrangle with issues like responsibility and freedom, they may feel like you're lording over them if you give them unsolicited advice. Desperate for independence, they more than likely don't want to have to count on you for everything. Giving them advice when they don't want it sends the signal that you don't trust their judgment. If they fail, they fail - and they learn from it. Don't rush in with suggestions they haven't asked for.
   
   
4. Reach out to others - This isn't just a trying time for your teen; it's also a trying time for you. Instead of bottling your frustrations up and possibly exploding for no reason at all, talk to other parents who are going through the same stage in their kids' lives. You may be surprised to find out that other parents are having the same problems as you are, and many of them might even have solutions.

Yours is not the first preteen to challenge the limits of their parents' authority (and patience). The simplest way to remind yourself that this isn't the end of the world is to repeat the age-old mantra - "This too shall pass." It will, and sooner than you realize it.