How to Get Your Teenager to Actually Open Up to You

When someone tells you they have the roughest job in the world, they obviously haven't tried to raise any teenagers. Garbage men, Navy Seals, human testers for non-lethal weapons - none of these guys have anything on a dad trying to communicate with a 15-year-old.

The teenage years are some of the most developmentally-intensive years of your child's life. They are no longer children, and yet they're not adults. Their bodies are being flooded with hormones of every type and size, making them grow bigger, sprout hair, smell bad and think differently. They're facing increased social pressure, as well - to fit in, to be attractive, to date. Adults in their lives are demanding that they grow up, while their teenage peers are begging them to be as irresponsible as possible. Amid all of this, here you are asking them to tell you what they're thinking.

It's a confusing time, and your teenager is more than likely not willing to talk to you. There could be any number of reasons for this. They may honestly not know how they feel, and being pressured by you to put it into words doesn't help. They may feel like they're feelings are too complicated for you to understand. If this is the case, there is only one rule: do not laugh at them. Part of being a teenager is believing that you're the center of the world and that no one else could possibly understand. Yes, you know that your daughter isn't really "in love" with the boy she's known for two days, but she doesn't. Laughing at her feelings, or trying to tell her that she's young and naïve, is not the way to encourage communication.

If you're having trouble breaking the ice with your teen, or you just can't get them to jump in the water once the ice is busted, follow these helpful tips.

1. Communicate with them - This sounds easier than it is, but it is essential if you want to know what's going on in their lives. If you've established a rich history of communicating openly about yours and their feelings, they'll be more likely to come to you later when they have problems. This means starting the process before they're teenagers. If you spent their childhood telling them what to do, offering no explanation as to why you made the decisions you did, getting angry at them when they confessed bad things to you, and generally treating them like children, they're not going to open up to you as teenagers. It's as simple as that.
   
   
2. Be fair - Being a teenager is the beginning of questioning authority and established norms. "Because I said so" isn't going to cut it anymore. You have to remember what it was like to be a teen and have the feeling that, although the world really wasn't fair, your parents were especially unfair. Your teens are almost adults, and more than anything they want to be treated like adults. Explain yourself, and let them present their counter-arguments. Be ready, as well, to admit when you're wrong, and don't throw negotiations out the window simply because you're the parent and they have to obey you. This is the easiest way to shut them off to you.
   
   
3. Try to relate, but not too hard - Part of the reason teenagers won't open up to their parents is because they believe their Mom and Dad couldn't possibly understand what they're going through. You're parents; how could you know anything about being a kid? Well, you may be able to assuage some of their fears by showing them - not just telling them, mind you - that you were once a teenager yourself. Although your teen may act like they don't care, don't let them fool you. Your life prior to their existence is intensely interesting to teenagers, because it allows them to see from where their traits come. Show them pictures and videos if you have them. Let them read old love notes from high school. If they realize that you may have actually experienced what they're going through, they may be more likely to open up to you. Don't expect them to acknowledge your similarities, however. You're still not cool. You're just cooler than they previously thought.
   
   
4. Let them come to you - Above all else, don't force this process on them. If they sense that you're pushing for them to open up, they'll shut down. Your teens will come to you when and how they want to, and nothing you can do will change that. They may talk to you now, or next year, or 10 years from now. Just trust that you've been a good parent, you've taught them well, and if they have real trouble they'll let you know. Otherwise, you should just let them grow up on their own terms.

Teenagers are amazingly difficult to understand, despite the fact that we've all been there. Every new generation has new problems, new concerns, new standards and new expectations. But, essentially, the basic problems of teenage life - like being accepted, fitting in, dating and making friends - will never change. If you keep this in mind, understanding your teenager and getting them to eventually open up to you shouldn't be an exercise in futility.

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Tell it like it is: How to Stay Connected to Your Teenager