Savvy Life Skill: Effective Negotiating

Improving your child's ability to argue probably ranks somewhere between teaching your toddler screaming skills and explaining your favorite games with kitchen knive. But good negotiation abilities are an essential skill for success both in relationships and careers. Research shows that you can teach your child these important skills simply by demonstrating good negotiation practices when you and your child have conflicts. By using the following principles from some of the world's top negotiation experts, you will not only resolve your disagreements more constructively, but you will teach your child a key resource for effectively navigating the world.

1. Don't just take positions and then split the difference. Let's say you tell your son that you are both leaving the playground in 5 minutes, and he responds, "Please please please, just 15 more minutes??!!!" Studies show that the human brain wants to split the difference, so your initial reaction may be to say, "Well we'll leave in 10 minutes but no later." However, this impulse actually leads to less efficient disagreements. A shrewd negotiator (i.e., your son) would quickly learn to make initial offers that skew the middle ground in their favor. The next time your son wants to stay at the playground, he might say, "Please please please just 30 more minutes???!!!" It doesn't seem like this technique should work on a savvy dad like you, but, surprisingly, the research consistently shows that suddenly you will think 15 minutes sounds pretty reasonable. In the end, negotiations will become less effective as both sides take more extreme positions in order to arrive at a favorable middle ground.
   
   
2. Instead of taking positions, explore each other's interests through questions. One leading negotiation expert said, "Statements generate resistance, whereas questions generate answers." Instead of taking strong positions, explore what you and your child both want. You might find some creative solutions that satisfy you both. For example, explore why your child wants to stay up past his bedtime. Is it because of a television show that you could TiVo? Or you could explore with your child why you want him to be home by 7 P.M. on school nights. Is it because you want him to have time for his homework? Perhaps then you would be okay with an 8 P.M. curfew if he finished his homework right after school. Remember, a bargaining position is just a shortcut to achieve some underlying goal. Perhaps solutions exist that could achieve both you and your child's objective, but this can only be discovered through communication.
   
   
3. Help your child learn to empathize. Developmental psychologists claim that teaching children to negotiate can help teach them empathy, which is the ability to understand other people's point of view. Conversely, your child must learn to empathize in order to become an effective negotiator. To teach empathy, ask your child to take on your point of view in a disagreement. For example, say, "Explain to me why you think I might not want you to get a motorcycle." Studies show that children begin showing empathy as early as 24 months, which means your six-year-old is more than old enough to articulate your reasons why she is too young for that Harley.
   
   
4. Avoid heated emotions. Research consistently shows that when emotions go up, conflict resolution goes down. This means crying, screaming, biting, and throwing applesauce should not be an acceptable negotiation technique, for you or your child. If emotions get heated you need to learn to calm yourself and your child down. Try teaching your kid that emotional disagreements are not productive. Simply say, "I won't negotiate under these stressful conditions. Let's cool off for 5 minutes and then sit down and have a calm conversation about the issues."
   
   
5. Even when you won't negotiate, listen and explain. To be sure, there are many issues -- like health and safety -- where you will not negotiate. But even then, you should try to listen to your kid's point of view and explain why you are making a certain rule. Experts say that interpersonal negotiations are often less about getting a certain outcome, and more about feeling heard. If your child feels that you understand what he wants, and he understands why the rule exists, it may be easier to get him on board than if the underlying logic of the rule is "because I said so." For example, in response to a common conflict over food, you might try, "I really understand that Cheetos and Ding Dongs are delicious. But it is really not a healthy dinner. Do you understand that I wouldn't be doing my job as a dad if I let you eat food that would make you grow up to have health problems? Let's try to find something healthy that you think sounds good."

A leading expert said negotiating should be collective decision making. This is a reminder that in contrast with competition, where the goal is to win at the other's expense, the goal of negotiation is for both sides to get what they want while giving in on things that might not be as important. Teach your child ways to understand the other side's position and then encourage creative solutions. By explaining and demonstrating effective negotiation, you will settle conflicts faster, while teaching your kids a skill that will last them a lifetime.