Raising Kids of Strong Character: Self-Control

Are you the parent that has to cut their shopping trip or restaurant visit short because your toddler embarrasses you with a temper tantrum? Have you ever had to give other parents a dirty look because they glare at you like you're a horrible parent because your child has no self-control? Sometimes you just want to throw yourself down on the floor and start throwing a tantrum of your own just to blow off some steam when your toddler starts screaming.

Unfortunately, you can't do this (not in public, anyways) without the guys in white coats coming to take you away. Your only alternative is to teach your young child self-control so they know how to behave in public and resist their impulse urges. With these tips, you can raise a child that has some degree of self-control and you can end the madness that has become parenthood.

1. Set clear rules and boundaries. Many tantrums and disagreements with children occur because they aren't sure what's expected of them. Instead of having a rule that vaguely says, "Don't act up in the store," make it more specific by saying, "No whining, crying, yelling, screaming, complaining or screaming in the store." But setting rules is only half of it. The other half is to enforce those rules. With each rule, have a specific consequence. When your child breaks the store rule, the specific consequence could be that they don't get a toy on that visit or they get a two-hour grounding when they get home. You might be surprised how willing children are to behave when they know exactly what's expected of them and the consequences.
   
   
2. Take a time out. This is for the children, not for you. When you see your young child start showing signs of anger or aggression, remove them from the situation or distract them for a couple minutes. Most times, this will divert their attention away from whatever is causing their anger and focus it on something else.  For example, if you are at a play date with your child and you see him getting angry with the other child, take him away from the situation for a minute and talk about something else. Chances are, by the time he gets back, he won't even remember what he was getting angry about in the first place.
   
   
3. Give your child enough positive attention. There's a huge difference between positive and negative attention. Positive attention occurs when you praise your child for doing something good. You can give positive attention by giving rewards, a pat on the back or simply saying something encouraging when they do something good. Negative attention, on the other hand, occurs when children do something bad or against the rules. This kind of attention is usually yelling, screaming or even spanking in some households. Negative attention is the type that leads to a child losing their self-control. They just want attention of any kind. And if you're not giving them positive attention, they're going to misbehave as much as it takes to get negative attention. If this means throwing a tantrum or losing control, they'll do it.
   
   
4. Be a model of self-control. We've all seen the anti-drug commercial where the father finds drugs in the teenage boy's bedroom and asks where he learned it from. The teenage boy fires back with, "From you, dad! I learned it from watching you!" It's the same way with your behavior. If you often lose self-control and start yelling and cussing and screaming around the house, you're not setting a very good example for your child. The best way to teach self-control is to demonstrate it, even if that means during the worst and most frustrating situations. Most of the time, you might not even be conscious that you're doing it. Be aware of your actions at all times. If you can't control yourself when you're alone, you'll have an even more difficult time when others are around.
   
   
5. Keep your child stimulated. Boredom leads to restlessness. Restlessness leads to anger. And anger leads to a loss of self-control. The best way to keep your child calm is to provide them with stimulating activities and things to do. When you're at the grocery store with your children, give them part of the shopping list that they are responsible for. When you're at home, make sure to have a variety of toys and activities to keep them entertained. The more stimulated and challenged a child feels, the less chance he will have of becoming aggressive and angry.
   
   
6. Be consistent. This is key. It's difficult enough to teach your children a characteristic or trait. But it's even more difficult when you're not consistent in your rules or enforcements. When you're inconsistent, you're giving your child mixed signals. This means that your child is unclear as to what's expected of them. As a result, they lose their self-control as they try to test their limits and see what they can get away with. As hard as it may be at times, be consistent and enforce the rules each time your child breaks one of them.

A child that loses self-control can be embarrassing, humiliating and even dangerous at times. That's why it's so important to teach your child how to control their emotions even when they want to be aggressive. With these suggestions and some patience, you can help your child grow up to be in control of their emotions and actions and you'll even be able to maintain your own self-control during the process.