Savvy Life Skill: Self-Image not Based on Appearances

Does your son care more about getting the most recent Kobe sneakers than getting A's in school? Does your two-year-old reject her Gerber sweet potatoes because she is limiting her carbs? Would your daughter list Lindsay Lohen as a great American hero? Don't fret. Your children are normal. Kids are increasingly obsessed with looks, weight, clothes, exercise, sneakers, and celebrities. But these image-conscious interests can lead to a lot of problems. Pediatricians report that kids are eating less healthy at younger ages in order to have what they perceive as better bodies. In fact, 83% of sixth grade girls and over 25% of first graders report having dieted, and eating disorders are rising dramatically. Boys are focused on their physiques at the expense of their health. One study showed that one in eight teenage boys use potentially unhealthy supplements on a weekly basis to improve their bodies. Other problems linked to an unhealthy obsession with image include lower self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Parents, however, can help dramatically by offering perspective on our media-driven and consumer-heavy culture. Parents can also help kids focus more on who they are and less on the brands they wear or how much they weigh. Here are some ways to get started:

1. Words matter. What parents say matters. A lot. Parent's praise, criticism, and comments weigh heavily on their kids-- both when the target of the comments are the kids themselves or others. So if you praise your daughter only for her looks, she will focus more on looking cute than on developing other skills. If you frequently take bets with your family on how many hot dogs fat Uncle Louis will eat at the family BBQ, you are showing your own acute awareness of the weight of others. Both actions send the wrong message. Try to get weight and fat out of your vocabulary, and praise your kids for their talents, not their looks.
   
   
2. Actions matter more. Parents' actions are even more important than their words. Studies show that if parents are obsessed with image, their kids will be too. So you can tell your daughter she is beautiful just the way she is, but if you then go out for a six-mile jog, eat a salad (no croutons, dressing on the side), and stand in front of the mirror sucking in your gut looking depressed, your daughter is going to be obsessing with her own body, diet, and weight in no time at all.
   
   
3. Beware of the media. Many experts say that our cultural focus on self-image can be blamed on the media. According to them, advertisers conduct extensive psychological research on how to best sell products to our kids, which often feed on our children's insecurities and teach them that certain products will make them safe, happy, loved, popular, or attractive. Thus, it's not surprising that two-thirds of girls report that magazine pictures affect their own body image, or that frequent viewing of music videos has been found to increase the desire to diet. An easy solution is to limit media extensively, as the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends. If you decide to let your kids indulge, talk to them about the airbrushing, surgeries, fulltime trainers, drugs, and dieticians required to get those seemingly perfect bodies. Talk about how the media and advertising industries work. Discuss how certain ads, shows, or products make your kids feel. An awareness of the effects of media and advertising might give your kids some much-needed perspective.
   
   
4. Teasing can hurt self-image. Many people report that teasing-even friendly teasing from friends-is what starts bad self-image. In your own house, make sure that no teasing is allowed. If your child is getting upset from teasing by friends, work with your kid on being assertive and asking his friends to stop. Some experts recommend that kids can stop teasing by simply admitting the teaser's accusation without getting upset. Maybe your kid can say, "Yes, I wear glasses. I guess that means I have four eyes. Did you come up with that one yourself, or do you have a writer?"
   
   
5. Encourage kids to be healthy. Some experts say dieting or restricting calories will hurt children's self-image. Other experts say overweight children have long-term health risks and can have self-esteem problems. But how can you balance these two pieces of advice and help your "big-boned" child lose weight without restricting calories? You should focus on exercise and eating right, not the pounds. So, if your kid only wants to eat Ding Dongs and Krispy Kremes, don't say, "No more donuts, chubs." Instead say, "Donuts aren't healthy. Let's eat an apple, which has more nutrients, and see if you are still hungry." Focusing on healthy choices rather than obsessing over weight makes all the difference.

By being conscious of the development of your child's self-image, you can help your kid feel more comfortable with who they are. Further, by encouraging your kids to develop their talents and succeed in other activities like sports, music, or school, they will develop self-esteem in areas unrelated to image, and their focus on superficial qualities will naturally recede. By keeping communication open, encouraging healthy choices, and setting a good example, you can help your child gain confidence and become comfortable being herself regardless of her shape or wardrobe.