Savvy Life Skill: Rest

Once upon a time, parents worried about their kids being out late at night getting into trouble. For many, those days are gone. Now, with volleyball practice, flute lessons, homework, play rehearsals, and the school newspaper, our kids can't find a place to schedule "Getting into Trouble" on their Blackberries. But our kids are also having trouble finding time to relax, sleep, and spend time with family and friends, and this busy lifestyle is beginning to take its toll. According to recent studies, our kids are overworked, overstressed, and under-rested. As a result, they have shown an extreme rise in the amount of related mental health problems. These problems can be fixed by us, dads. Although we want our kids to succeed, we must ensure that they maintain a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. By working on the following concepts with our kids, we can help them balance the demands of school and extracurricular activities with their need for sleep, relaxation, and time with friends and family.

1. Watch for the warning signs of an exhausted child. Kids often don't complain about being overscheduled because they simply don't know how to gauge their own physical and mental limits. Kids might not know what stress feels like, so they won't realize a 20 hour shift at the lemonade stand is a long day. You have more experience with stress and exhaustion, so you can help your kids figure out when they are tired. Talk to your kids about how they are feeling. Observe whether they seem overworked or stressed out. Watch for warning signs like decreases in grades, stomach aches or other illnesses, depression and anxiety, or new bad behaviors.
   
   
2. Don't buy into the hyper-parenting culture. Behind every overextended kid, there is a well-meaning parent. Some parents think that if their kid is exposed to every possible activity, maybe one will be a natural fit, so their kids must try wrestling, fencing, horseback riding, chess, and jazz tap. Other parents worry about college admissions, so they push their kids to develop their resume by publishing papers in science journals and building computers for the homeless. Others think they are in a competition with other parents and the scorecard is the kids. To avoid putting unnecessary pressures on your kid, spend some serious time reflecting on what is truly best for your child-not what the culture pushes for, not what the guidance counselors say, not what your neighbor's kid does, and not what feels good to brag about-but what will best help your child develop into a happy, healthy, and intelligent person.
   
   
3. Downtime is essential. A top researcher on development found that unstructured playtime helps kids develop greater resourcefulness, initiative, and imagination. He found that overscheduled kids have problems as adults managing their own time, organizing their lives, and managing stress. So if your child has two hours free on Sunday, don't immediately think he is going soft and sign him up for Portuguese lessons. Your kids need sufficient time to hang out and just be kids.
   
   
4. Set priorities. Children often feel pressure to be in many activities and excel at them all. This can create stress and exhaustion, and take the joy out of participating. You should help your child make hard choices so they don't commit to too much. Try making a list of priorities, and remind them that they don't have to be the best at everything-it's ok to be in some activities just for fun. You might ask, "Do you want to make varsity basketball next year? To have the time to work on basketball, you probably should cut out Hip Hop Dance Class. Perhaps you can keep orchestra, but not try for first chair, and just do it for fun." If a new activity comes up, talk about what they will have to drop to make that activity work and still have time for rest, friends, and family.
   
   
5. Your kids need sleep. Overscheduled, stressed, or worried kids often start sleeping less than they should, and sleep deprivation has serious consequences. It decreases learning and memory; increases risk of diabetes, high blood pressure, and obesity; and leads to attention problems and hyperactivity. Make sure your kids are getting enough sleep. The proper amount of sleep is different for each kid, so it's most important that your child seems rested, but on average five to twelve-year-olds should be sleeping 10-11 hours a night, and teens should get 9 ½ hours. Keep in mind that kids sleep better if they exercise every day and have some quiet activities at night. Kids sleep worse if they have too much chocolate, sodas, and sugars, or if they spend excessive time watching TV or playing on the computer.
   
   
6. Model being able to relax. If you want to help your kid have a more balanced life, you can't schedule family time in between your 7PM conference call and your 7:45PM squash game at the club. If you work 80 hours a week, miss family dinners and activities, and only sleep 5 hours a night, you can be sure that your kid won't prioritize downtime either. Take time to stop and smell the roses with your kids. Demonstrate that it is possible to successfully balance career, family, and life.

Of course we want our kids to succeed. We want them to go to good colleges. We want them to learn how to work hard, master skills, and feel good about their achievements. And of course we don't want to discourage them from participating in activities they are excited about. It's a challenging task to find the perfect schedule-especially because every child is different and their needs may change from day to day-but you and your kids can do it. Just remind your child and yourself that more does not mean better. Resist feeling pressure from the current frenetic and overachieving culture. Remember that the happiness and health of your kids, not achievement, is your top priority. With love, honest conversation, and introspection, you and your child should be able to find the perfect balance so that your kid can experience a variety of activities and achieve success while living a sustainable, happy, and rested life.