Raising Kids of Strong Character: Patience

You are trying to finish up an important business call and your son, with tears flowing down his face, is shrieking, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! APPPPLLLLEE JUUUICCCE NNNOOOWWW!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. In moments like these fathers often begin thinking the only successful parenting techniques must involve duct tape. But don't despair. Parents can and should teach their kids to be patient. This will not only benefit your sanity but will also benefit your child: patience improves kids' problem-solving abilities, performance in school, and interpersonal relationships. With the following tips you can develop your child's patience, a virtue that will help your kid navigate life and will help you navigate fatherhood.

1. Be a role model. Unfortunately, everyone knows that kids learn from their parents. So you aren't going to fool anyone when your daughter's kindergarten teacher reports that she has been running around on the playground screaming, "Learn how to drive, moron!" If you want to teach your kids patience, you also have to learn to keep cool yourself.
   
   
2. Explain the elements of patience. Patience, much like sharing, is a higher-order skill that requires both empathy and self-control. Make your child aware that other people have needs, and stress that those needs must be respected, even though it can be challenging. For example, try saying, "I know you want to tell Mommy about your new toy right now, but she is on the phone. Even though it makes you sad to have to wait, it makes her happy to finish her phone call. I know it's hard, but we want to make Mommy happy. So we have to wait patiently until she gets off."
   
   
3. Give definite goals. Both kids and adults struggle if they have to wait patiently for an indefinite amount of time. A child of any age will get frustrated with statements like, "We will go in a little while." Without a set time, your kid must exercise indefinite patience. This is unrealistic for a young child, so you'll likely end up hearing screaming, seeing tears, or dodging wooden block missiles. Instead try saying, "We will go to the park in 15 minutes." By having that definite time limit, your kid can watch the clock, practice self-control, and receive feedback on how he is progressing towards his goal.
   
   
4. Teach techniques. Teach your kids techniques for staying patient. Many kids can exercise patience if they have a timer or clock to track their progress. If you are driving in the car or waiting in line at the store, try to develop games, like counting backwards or spotting items that start with each letter of the alphabet. Sometimes you can help your kids stay patient just by acknowledging that patience is a challenge: "I know it's hard to drive in the car for so long, and I know you really want to get out. You are doing a great job, and we will get there in 15 minutes."
   
   
5. Explain how to get your attention. Kids will want and need your attention. Teach them acceptable ways to get it, like raising their hands or touching your arm. Show your kids that when they use the proper methods they get a quick response. If your son touches your arm to get your attention, make eye contract or touch his arm to acknowledge that you recognize he wants something. Then make an effort to give him your attention as quickly as possible. A fast response will demonstrate that waiting patiently really does work best.
   
   
6. Reward good behavior. Give positive feedback for patience by giving your kids the attention they want and praising them. Conversely, don't reward bad behavior. Many parents fall into a trap. Their kid starts screaming to get their attention, so the parents say, "No yelling. Be patient." But then they immediately attend to the little shrieker's needs. If your daughter tries to get your attention inappropriately while you are on the phone, explain, "It's not ok to get Daddy's attention with the Fists of Fury." Remind her of the proper way and then continue your call. If she keeps interrupting, you might have to warn her or give her a time out. But as soon as she uses the proper methods, respond quickly and praise her for her good behavior.
   
   
7. Be confident. Many parents have trouble teaching patience because they feel bad disappointing their kids. When you require patience from your children, you force them to wait for something they want, which means you are disappointing them. Some parents aren't comfortable disappointing their kids, but it is part of the learning process. Clearly children often demand immediate attention (for example, attempting to play with a hot stove or going to the bathroom). But rest assured that if you need to make dinner, and you ask your child to patiently wait for 10 minutes, you are not being a mean parent. Rather, you are helping your child with an important aspect of development.

You can teach your child greater patience. But remember, even though you can get your kid to behave better in many situations, kids are kids, so have reasonable expectations. No matter how much you work on patience, your four-year-old won't sit through a six-course dinner or a three-hour opera. But if you push for gradual improvement, explain why it's important, give them the tools, and reward good behavior, your kids will learn to be patient, which will help them--and you--immensely!