The Death of a Stale-Man

By Won Kim

My buddies never call me on poker night. When there's a mass e-mail invitation to watch the big game, I'm usually left off the list. Same goes for movie outings, pick-up football games, road trips, etc. Apparently, my buddies all got together and unanimously decided that I had no life.

It's as if having a child means not having a life. Sorry, I didn't get that memo. Seriously, does becoming a dad mean your life as a regular guy comes to an end? I sure hope not, because I still have a lot of life to live.

Okay, I'll be fair with this. Having a child does change a lot of things. Correction, having a child changes everything. However, that doesn't mean my desire to see a great band or pick up a hobby just got up and left. That desire is still there, it just happens to have its hands full sometimes with Elmo DVDs, storybook time and potty training sessions.

We all agree (otherwise we wouldn't be on this site) that being a great dad is of the utmost importance. I also believe that it's nearly impossible to be a great dad if you're not enjoying your life. Obviously, enjoying life could mean different things for different people. Whether its literature, art, technology, music, writing, traveling, designing, hiking, fishing, golfing or cooking, there is something that every man is really passionate about.

The challenge-or the conundrum-is being able to merge fatherhood and manhood together. I don't like using the term "balance," because it makes it sound as if fatherhood and manhood are mutually exclusive. That's probably why all my buddies stopped calling me. They're probably thinking to themselves, If Won comes out with us tonight then his son will suffer irreparable pain for losing three precious hours with daddy. Again, it's not a choose one or the other situation, it's the challenge of how I achieve both well.

Although I'm making this sound a lot simpler than it actually is, one of the most important things that us dads can do is to reignite our passion for life. I made the mistake early on by substituting my identity as Won for the identity as Dad. Now, I don't want to get too philosophical, but it was a significant discovery to see that I am still Won, but with "dad" as a strong component of my identity. Again, it's not a choose one or the other situation. Just because you become a dad doesn't mean everything else goes out the window. If anything, it's even more important to enhance the other parts of your life, otherwise your ability to enjoy life may atrophy ... which then impacts your ability to be a great dad.

I recall a lunch conversation I was having with a new colleague (we'll call him Greg). Sometime during our conversation I mentioned how my son was having a difficult time sleeping, when Greg stopped me mid-sentence.

"Wait, you have a son? You're a freaking dad?" Greg asked incredulously.

"Uh, yeah. Why does that surprise you so much?" I responded.

"Well, you're like funny and you play in a basketball league and you watch The Office. I just didn't know you could still do that when you're a, you know, dad."

Suffice to say, I introduced Greg to the novel idea that life doesn't abandon you just because you become a dad. If anything, more of life is injected into you, figuratively and literally. We can all admit that the life we knew prior to becoming a dad may have changed quite a bit, but that doesn't mean we can't fully enjoy the life we have now.

So, on the happenchance that one of your buddies calls you to see if you're available for poker night, tell them no. Of course, he'll remark sardonically, "That's what I thought. Another night of watching Finding Nemo?"

Then you quickly tell him, "Nope, I'm busy  ______." Now, you fill in the blank.