The heart of the matter

by Tony Chen

Over some mediocre sushi rolls, I was chatting up a fellow dad the other day about the adventures of parenting. With 3 teenagers, he listened with a I'm-so-glad-that's-over-but-I-kinda-miss-it smirk as I talked about my toddler-induced sleep deprivation and diaper follies. I went on and on about potty training, night terrors, and Meme's new abilites to throw/catch a ball, no thanks to the awesome coaching of yours truly. After polishing off the last of the wasabi, he shared nostalgically about those good ole days. Apparently, very early on, he and his wife were "amazed" at how awesome they were at parenting. Their firstborn was such an obedient, generous, and thankful kid, a little angel among devilish dictators. Somehow they must have been wise beyond their years. Or so he thought... until #2 came and smashed that notion. And then #3 definitely finished off any remnants.

Over the last couple of weeks, 150+ dads answered a seemingly harmless poll question: what would make you most proud as a dad? Seeing your child share, ace a math test, burp like a man, or score the winning goal? While it's probably obvious what most dads put in, I was surprised, and even challenged, by some of the comments. One dad mentioned that voting for anything other than sharing reflected our selfish, individualistic, warped values. He writes:

"I'm far from perfect, but it seems to me the biggest problem with this world - the mess everyone is in - is because children grow up to be greedy selfish adults - all competing to be #1. They grow up this way because that's what the see their parents doing - regardless of what they're told."

In defense of non-sharing (and acing the math test), another dad wrote: "If you teach them to share, then the other kid gets what they want, but your kid does not, therefore you are teaching them to lose in the game of life. If you teach them to trade, then you teach them a much more valuable lesson, and both kids are happier."

And most recently, one dad wrote a thoughtful response in defense of scoring the winning goal: "I am going to champion the "score a game winner" response from more than a simple snort, scratch and spit alpha male angle. It seems to me that it is our job to not only nurture and encourage emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent children, but strong, active individuals who not only are willing to lead by example but who can inspire their teammates and classmates."

Man, this just confirms it for me again. The more I go into this fatherhood journey, the more I'm realizing that there's no hiding behind fatherhood. How I approach being a dad reveals me to my core - all my biases, inadequancies, ignorancies (yup, just made up a word), passions, and values. Get to know my kid, and you probably have a good sense of who I am, too. You'd see quickly what's really important to me, and you'll see what I haven't figured out yet, even for myself. You'd see that I'm idealististic, that I'm ambitious, that I can't stand not making a difference or not fulfilling potential. You'd also see, like other "overachievers" (hate that term), that I can sometimes be driven by guilt or by insecurity and that character is important to me partly because I see my own lacking in character. You'd see creativity and free-spiritedness is important to me because I hate feeling like I've let others (i.e. myself) box me in. You'd see that I can get overanalytical (like I'm overthinking this stupid poll right now) because it's safer to do that than to take a real stand. For better or for worse, all of this - the good, the bad, and the ugly - shows up in my parenting.

So, anyway, simplistic questions can be unfair because there's no context. I voted for "sharing", but really all of them would make me proud because all of them (except the burping one), given the right context, could reflect strong character. Acing a test can take discipline and self-motivation. Scoring the winning goal can be a result of work ethic, dedication, and teamwork.

Back to my sushi-eating friend. We left the restaurant and he quoted something I've heard many times before, but never in a parenting context. "The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart" The key isn't about "what" the 5-year-old did, but "why" they did it. Maybe the better poll would be - how does your 5-year-old handle acing the test that everyone else fails? Is the point getting kids to share or getting kids to want to share? Someone come up with a good poll, and I'll post it for next week.