The Art of Sleep Training

By Phil Stott

"What are we going to do when she gets too big for the crib?"

So said my wife last night as we closed the door on a daughter who was already a half-hour past her bedtime, clearly too tired to stay up any longer, but practically inconsolable about the fact that it was time to end the fun for another day. As a result, when we shut the door she was standing gripping the sides of the crib, peering out over the top of it, yelling "Mama" at the top of her voice while sobbing. A pretty heart-rending scene, if you're not going through it several times a week.

The prediction behind my wife's question, obviously, was that as soon as Maeve is too big to contain in a crib, we're going to have to put her in a real bed-one with no sides to contain her-and we're both pretty certain that the first thing she'll do will be to get out.

That's one of the main reasons we've been doing our best to get her on a regular schedule. As much as possible, we've been trying to make sure her bedtime falls at around the same time, and we've been working hard on establishing a routine based on the following points:

Get a routine going

There are all kinds of things you can do to signal to your child that their day is coming to an end. Bath time right before bed. The appearance of the toothbrush. A couple of storybooks or songs to calm down. Then, tell them it's time for bed, lay them down, and get out of the room. While it might be nice for both you and your child if you stick around until they get to sleep, you're risking setting up a situation where they can't get to sleep unless you're there. Sure, there will be nights where you need to do a little extra calming once your child is in bed, but provided they're not hysterical, it pays to get out as soon as possible. A child that learns to go to sleep alone young is one that you'll spend less time chasing back into bed as they get older. Not to mention the amount of time you'll free up for yourself.

Turn down the monitor...

...or turn it off altogether. Nothing's going to pull you back to your child's room faster than the sound of crying coming out of a monitor. All you'll achieve by going back in, though, is to legitimize the behavior in your child's mind, and create a scenario where they know that a screaming fit will get them a little more time with you before they have to go to sleep. To avoid making that a routine, try turning down the monitor so the cries aren't as intrusive. Ever wondered why some of them come with a light meter on the front that goes up and down with the volume of your child's cries? Now you know: some models actually allow you to mute the sound but still keep an eye on them. Once they're asleep, though, you'll probably want to turn it back up again.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that you completely ignore a crying child once you've put them to bed-just that you give them an opportunity to fall asleep by themselves. For that reason, I'd also recommend that you:

Set a timer and stick to it

If your child is new to the concept of you leaving them to fall asleep alone, and responds by crying, you may want to start by building in set periods of time before you go back to them. Start out with something you're comfortable with-5 to 10 minutes-and, as the days wear on, gradually increase the waiting period. Remember: the longer you can wait before going back in, the more opportunity your child has to fall asleep by themselves. Of course, if they genuinely sound like they're in distress or particularly upset, or if the crying goes on for a long time, you'll want to go in and find out what's wrong.

We've seen some pretty good results so far, although we still get the odd occasion-mostly for afternoon naps-where Maeve just won't go to sleep without one of us there until she passes out. I'm figuring that the longer we persist, the more likely it is that she'll come to accept bedtime without a struggle. As soon as she starts that, I'll feel a whole lot better about putting her in a real bed.

As always, I'm open to further suggestions from those who have been there and done this before me, or who are trying different things right now. Post any recommendations in the comments field below.