Extreme Fatherhood

By Won Kim

This isn't about fathers who skateboard or BMX or skydive on weekends. It's for the dads out there who make promises to only break them shortly thereafter.

It's for the dads who say that they'll make it out to your kid's soccer game only to have "another" meeting run late at work. Or the dad who says he'll read the bedtime story only to get "caught" up in the 9^th inning of a critical ballgame. The examples could go on and on.

Here's the thing that I've learned two sons later and a short combined fatherhood of 5 years. Fatherhood is intentional and at times it has to be extreme. If you promise your kid that you're going to make it to the soccer game, well, you better darn make it to the soccer game. One broken promise will soon become a habit, and before you know it, your kid will be 18 muttering, "whatever dad."

I was awakened to this truth in my own life when I had a rare father-son only time this past week. I had promised my son to read "Where the Wild Things Are," which he received for his birthday. Somehow in the midst of preparing dinner, giving him a shower and brushing his teeth, the TV in the family room had been turned on and a basketball game was mysteriously playing. Sure enough, I was riveted to the TV screen and watched the game as my son sat patiently by my side. By the time the game in question was decidedly over, my son was sprawled out on the couch, sleeping. Promise broken.

I'm naturally hard on myself, but I realized just then that my son's life can never be TiVo'd. I can't go on YouTube the day after and catch highlights of something I missed. It happens and it goes, and the only thing that remains is my son's memory of dad's presence and his promises (or lack of). So, I made a recent promise to myself. And knowing my track record with promises, I actually told a few of my friends to check up on me to see how I'm doing. I know, it sounds like some AA program for dads.
 
Let me share with you quickly three things that I'm going to implement in my life.

• No TV for me until kids are asleep
  
• Leave work on time everyday (unless a foreseen overtime schedule is necessary
• Find one thing about my son I can positively reinforce

The no TV rule is more of a boundary marker for me. No TV means no temptation to watch two hours of basketball or a really great documentary on the History Channel. If something has to be watched, I'll just record it. Leaving work on time might be the most difficult thing to implement, but it means I have to be more efficient at work, as well as communicating to my staff that I'm serious about being a good dad. Lastly, we're all inclined to correct a behavior or curb undesired actions of our kids, but I want to make sure that at least once a day I can positively encourage my child. If I can't find one thing to positively comment on, it probably says more about me than it does about my son.

Again, I don't think any of these measures are really that extreme, but skateboarding off a ramp is so much easier than fatherhood.