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Man-to-Man with Dad
by Tony Chen
I've been meeting up with one of my buds, Greg, every other
week for lunch. Despite the fact that
he's 10 years younger than me, the guy is mature beyond his years. He's just one of those guys who I know will
do something great with his life.
After catching up on his latest crush, work woes, and the like, inevitably, our conversation always seems to go back to our
parents, and without doubt, we start talking about "the talk." Do you know the one? No, not the birds/bees talk, but that first
man-to-man talk with our dad. Over the
past few weeks, Greg has been mustering up the courage to share some heavy
stuff with his dad. There's baggage to
be cleared, there's sins to be forgiven, there's words of affirmation to be
spoken, and there's also gratitude to be expressed. I feel for the kid because he so wants to
prove to his dad that he's worthy of daddy's love. I know too many people who feel that way,
even after their fathers have passed away.
What is it about father figure approval that runs so deep?
I remember my first man-to-man talk. It was the first time where I had enough
courage to tell my dad exactly how I felt about how he treated me and my sister
- both positive and negative. Of course,
on that particular day, we were in the middle of a "family meeting" fight, so
we talked more on the negative. Amazingly,
something about my dad changed that day as he took those words to heart. Also for me, my perspective of the world
changed forever, too. I finally realized
that my dad's a growing, dynamic, changing person too -- after all, he was
learning how to parent just as I was learning how to be his kid. My dad was human after all.
Now that I have my own son, I'm seeing a lot of my dad in
me (yeah, pretty scary, right?). For the positive areas, I've
subconsciously imitated my dad. For the areas
I didn't like, I've changed (or maybe even overcompensated) my parenting
approach. I sometimes imagine what it
will be like when my son, maybe 20 years from now, has his man-to-man talk with
his old man. What will be said? What will be bottled inside him for so long
that he will scream it? Or will he essentially take it out on me on the basketball court, dunking over my middle-age pile of fat and bones? Will it be "thanks for nothing" or "thanks for everything?" Or better yet,
maybe our father/son relationship will be so that we'll be talking all the time
... maybe there won't be a need for the "the talk" at all.
Re: Man-to-Man with Dad
I certainly look up to my dad as a father to emulate. When I got married and first had to think about parenting (I would be a stepdad that day) he told me to "remember all the shitty things your dad did, and don't do them". There were a lot of good things he did, far, far more good than bad, and I remember the good ones and try to do the same. I remember the bad things and try not to do them. Most of the bad things he did were things motivated by good intentions that just didn't work out the way he thought, so it's pretty easy to take his intentions and execute them in a way that isn't damaging to the kids. I hope. He probably thought that too, of course. Ultimately, we all do the best we can with the information we have.
My dad is old enough now that I don't think his impression of me will ever change. It hurts that I'll never have the approval of my father, but I have my own family to take care of, and my personal problems shouldn't impact them.
For me and dad, there is no longer any point in having a big conversation. As far as he's concerned, I'm a reckless 16 year-old, not a 36 year-old leading a family of 7. Nothing I can do will change that, so I try to keep the relationship stable. Not good or bad, just amiable. I hope that one day it will change, but I no longer have the personal need to reconnect. For me, it has been part of becoming an adult; relying less on my father's advice and approval, and more on the reality of my life and my family.
That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I wish I could talk to my dad, share stories, and (did I mention that it hurts) bask in approval. But for me, it won't happen. I accept it, and thank my dad for what he's done for me and my family. But I let the rest go. I have enough to deal with in my own family without crippling myself with wistfulness.
Re: Man-to-Man with Dad
Due to certain life decisions and circumstances, my father was not much present in my life. It's funny (or sad) but I have no impression of what you mean by "the talk." In fact I don't recall having any "talk" with my dad. I often think about his inability to communicate with me, and think about how I could rectify that by communicating more with my (future) children.
The last time I saw my father was 2 years ago, when he came to visit me. I hadn't seen him in ?five? years. I didn't want to show it or say it, but I felt eager to show him my new town, new job, new car etc. He had missed my high school, med school, residency graduations, so by this time why was it still necessary to have his approval?
He came to a talk I was giving to a local cancer group, and afterward he told me that he learned a lot of stuff he never knew before (he's a doctor, too). Funny how a little thing like that can give me satisfaction. It's funny how deep that father-son angst is ingrained into the psyche.
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