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Brett Favre & Dad Decision-Making
by Tony Chen
Has anyone else been following the seemingly endless Brett Favre Saga?
It has been in the news for a few months now. If you haven't been keeping track, it's sorta
like this: Football is a family
business. So, it's like having your
older son run your family business for 16 years while your younger son waits
for his chance. Your older son retires,
and then unretires, three or four times--the guy loves the business so much, but
he's also getting old. Meanwhile, the
poor ole younger son thinks it's his chance to shine every time older brother
retires, and then has to wait some more each time he unretires. I can only imagine the family dynamics,
huh? Add on top of that the fact that
this is a public family business, which means management has been getting some
heat (I wouldn't be surprised to see some heads roll). You know it's bad when a former White House
Press Secretary flies out to brief the family on how to handle the media.
This got me thinking about how the headlines would play out
on ESPN, if they covered my family, the many decisions we make, and how I as
the "management," would be seen by my kids and by the media (in this case,
other parents).
Basically, it seems like there are four different kinds of "management"
decisions.
- Good decisions that look bad to other parents
- Good decisions that look good to other parents
- Bad decisions that look bad to other parents
- Bad decisions that look good to other parents
Obviously, the most intriguing ones are No. 1 and No. 4.
Back when I was single, I was flying to New Jersey and the parents in the next row
were totally ignoring their screaming kid. I thought to myself, "What kind of
parents are you slackers? Don't you see
your kid needs you?" Meanwhile, the dad
casually flipped through his newspaper, yawning. I was disgusted.
Looking back on that now as a parent, they most likely had
their reasons for ignoring their child at that particular moment. Sure, they got the hairy eyeball from other
passengers, but maybe they were teaching something valuable to their kid (or at
least, I hope so--that kid was LOUD!).
This is a No. 1-type decision. They could've easily made that a No. 4
decision and just shushed their kid. The
whole plane may have applauded at that point, but maybe this was a critical
point in that kid's life. Who knows. More
power to them.
Is my parenting impacted by who else is watching me? Should I parent differently based on who's
around?
The other day, I was at the pool with my two-year-old
toddler. He loves watching the bigger
kids jump off the diving board and actually looked at me saying, "Baba jump,
too?" So, even though it was a little
risky, I told him to sit on the bench near the pool while I went over to jump
in. He was so intrigued by it that he
wanted to jump in with me the next time.
So, with him in my arms, I walked over to the very tip of the board,
asked him again if he wanted to jump with me, and then SPLASH ... he's never been
deeper in a pool ever before. We got
out, and he was rubbing his eyes, but he was happy. In the meantime, I was getting that "glare"
from the moms who had been watching what had transpired. Good call or too dangerous? I'd do it again. Since that time, Meme has been constantly
talking about that jump. (Note to self: remember to take off your
glasses when you jump in the pool). Now
the real question, would I have done it again if my wife was around?
Not that I have anything to hide, but I'm just glad that there aren't millions of parents hanging onto my every word and papparazzi capturing every mistake I make.
(photo credit: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images North America)
Re: Brett Favre & Dad Decision-Making
Alfie Kohn mentions that a lot of our parenting choices are based on how others perceive us and our children. In other words, "you have wonderful children" usually means "your kids aren't a pain in my you-know-what!"
I'm guilty of this, too. I don't want people thinking my kids are spoiled, obnoxious brats for the simple reason that it will affect how people treat them. BUT, more often than not, if I examine my motives closely it's clear that I don't want people thinking poorly about ME. It's been a hard transition to make, but I honestly try hard to do what is best for my kids, even if it means looking foolish or letting my kids act out a little in public. (Category 1)
On the flip side, it's really interesting to see how many times parents make choices that are not in the best interests of the child and his/her development, but rather are for the sake of convenience. I've really taken to the phrase "raising adults" as opposed to "raising children." It helps me remember that how they act on an airplane at age 3 is not nearly as important as how they act at age 33 as a spouse, friend, employee, leader, or community-member. Long after that guy next to us on the flight is forgotten, the lessons I impart to my kids will still be deeply imbedded. (Category 4)
Thanks for this post. It helps me remember that I'm not the only dad out there making tough choices about discipline, behavior, and the lifelong development of my kids!
Re: Brett Favre & Dad Decision-Making
I've never heard of this "raising adults" mindset - good stuff! Keeps the long-term perspective in view.
Re: Brett Favre & Dad Decision-Making
Way to go. I'd say jump again too!
There is obviously, at this point in the saga, some things that are behind the Favre story that we're not getting. And it has been going on for a few seasons now. Heads are going to roll, but the lesson is, whether we like it or not, we have to keep maneuvering ourselves for better positioning to get what we want. We may not like the people we are dealing with, but as men, we need to learn how to manage them. We have to be sure of our desire before we sacrifice whatever perception we are putting out there on display. So to heck with others' view, as long as we know in our heart we are in the right.
Favre has strong reasons why he is challenging management. And it doesn't have to do with money, thank you very much. I don't think it even has to do with power. But there's something he wants to show us.
Re: Brett Favre & Dad Decision-Making
that "gutt check" is definitely key. I've realized I'm pretty good at rationalizing my decisions, so it takes a good, hard look inside to get at why I'm REALLY doing what I'm doing.
Well, looks like Farve is going to the Jets. makes you wonder what family meetings happened over there to make this all happen. like you said, we're not really getting the whole story sitting here on the out. same thing when we watch other parents parent and vice versa.
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