Terrible Twos
I am the Father of two beautiful girls. This is a job I take pretty
seriously. My oldest is 4½ and my youngest is 2½ (will be three in
January) and my wife and I are happily married. I am writing for help
with regard to my younger daughter. It feels like she has been going
through the “terrible twos” for 2½ years. She is a very bright little
girl, but she is also a toughie. This is in contrast to her older
sister who is the ultimate pleaser. Her goal in life is to make
everyone happy.
My youngest has never really ever liked to be cuddled and lately
somehow I have become public enemy number one. She defiantly will not
wear any of the clothes my wife selects for her (preferring to wear
shorts 24/7) and barks orders at my wife all day long. At times I
cannot even offer her her bottle, take her up to bed or change her
diaper – everything needs to be done by Mommy. This can get on your
nerves after a while. She plays well with her sister, but it inevitably
ends up with her bullying her in one way or another. I have seen her
rip the new pajamas off my older daughter so she can wear them.
Recently when my wife takes her to swim class or a party she will not
leave her arms and participate in any of the functions. Alfter a long
bit of coaching she will participate but at that stage we are all ready
to give up. My wife is home with the girls all day so she faces this
problem with more frequency than I do. When I come home from work
lately it all depends on the mood my little angel is in. When it is me
alone with her we have some good times, but lately more time is spend
with me giving her time outs (putting her in her crib to cry for a
little while). This has caused tremendous stress at home these days. I
feel like I have no relationship with this little girl because of all
of the flare-ups.
I know all of this can be chalked up to the “terrible twos” but is
there anything that I can do to remedy the situation. I want her to
know she is as loved as her sister but rarely does this headstrong
little girls let down her guard long enough to let us prove it. I want
her to be strong and independent, but I also do not want to raise a
bully. She needs to learn to listen to us and let us be the parents.
What can I do as a Dad to make the situation better? I am willing to
listen to any and all suggestions.
Thanks,
MJR
Re: Terrible Twos
I stumbled upon this post and felt the need to weigh in.
Please don't use Time Out as Ferrol suggests. Consequences need to be linked with the misbehavior. How is going to your room/corner/insert time out place here teaching a 2-1/2 year old what she did was wrong? Do you actually think that while she is in time out she is saying to herself, "Hey I shouldn't hit my sister because it is wrong and if I do it again, my Dad will get mad and send me into time out"?
And, I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing at the "massive distraction tactic" according to Chris Thompson. If that doesn't work, do you step it up to the "mega distraction tactic"? Even a 2-1/2 year old will see through this superficial tactic if not the first time then certainly the second or third time it is used. Kids are little more complicated and distractions - massive or otherwise - will not solve the problem permanently.
Omegapoint is more on the right track.
The most important step you can take is to spend special one-on-one time with both of your children - individually, a minimum of 10 minutes at a time and make sure to label it. I took an online course and they call it Mind, Body and Soul Time. But call it whatever you want. By about the second or third day, your little one will be asking you for the special time together. Your wife should also do the same thing with each child. Both kids need special bonding time with their parents. Make sure you get down on their level (I mean child ego state, not laying on the floor although that is good too) and do what they want to do.
Kids don't want to misbehave but they do want personal power and significance. They need choices and they need to feel significant within the family. Provide your younger one with choices that will help you and your wife around the house. Have her be responsible for taking all of the spoons out of the dishwasher and putting them away.
I could go on and on but I think you get the point. The course I took can be found at: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com . It was great. It completely changed our lives.
Good Luck.
Use language to break down resistance
MJR - you can solve most of the problems you described by learning a few language tactics to take back control without even having your kids know about what you are doing.
Ferrol (above) described how to use what is called a "bind" by creating the illusion of choice (2 or 3 choices of clothes). This may or may not work depending on how you present the choices.
You can also use presuppositions ... verbal assumptions baked into your language. "After you do xyz would you like to (insert something she will like here)".
If she is being rough and ripping pajamas off her older sister it's the perfect time to use something called a "pattern interrupt". This is a massive distraction tactic where you say something completely off the wall, but understandable to a 2.5 yr old.
I teach parents how to use these tactics to deal with difficult toddlers at my website http://www.TalkingToToddlers.com
Re: Terrible Twos
I have a similar situation with my girls (Katie just turned 4, and Abby will be 2 in january). The older is full of sweetness and sunshine, the younger is aggressive and quick-tempered. What has started to turn things around for me is to give the younger more positive attention, and a lot more one-on-one daddy time. There are many more smiles, a lot more kindness, and a lot more cooperation from my younger one since I've started treating her more like Abby and less like the other half of the girls. My oldest had the benefit of lots of focused daddy time when she was learning how to interact with other people, and, while I'm a little late in doing it, I'm trying to give that same time to Abby.
As for specifics, one of the things I do is smile when I look at her. I try not react to outbursts, and just let her go boneless or scream or whatever she needs to do, then try another route to get whatever we need to get done. I make sure they get fed earlier, and I try to keep the house a little cleaner. All those things have helped. It's all little things, applied consistently over a long time.
It's a big age difference between your girls and mine, but I hope there's something in here you can use.
Re: Terrible Twos
Thanks for the sound advice. This makes sense. My older daughter is so loving and so much fun that it is easier to be around her. My little one and I are constantly in battle so the "quality-time" is a little less that quality-filled. I have noticed that when I focus my attention solely on my youngest she does respond. Unfortunately the older gets immediately jealous - but I can handle that.
I will give it a try.
Re: Terrible Twos
I might try to give her more freedom (within limits). What I mean by that is giving her some simple choices so that she'll feel in control. Like with the clothes, for instance, you could put some that you think are appropriate where she can reach them and ask her, "Which would you like to wear?" But only about 2 or 3 choices at a time.
Also, try to get down on her level and ask her why she's doing things like taking her sister's pajamas. She's between the age of redirection and is now where she needs to learn consequences of her actions. You have to explain that "if you do this, then this will happen." If she takes her sister's clothes then she will have to spend some time in timeout, or there will be no trip to the park, etc.
As far as the swim class is concerned, perhaps you could bring a toy that she picks out and is water appropriate and see if she would like to play with it in the water.
I feel like, from what you describe, she's at a threshold where she's no longer a toddler but not quite a child either. It's like a first adolesence. That's why I feel she's looking to figure out what the rules are and is pushing all your buttons. She's actually asking for a bit of freedom, but not quite ready to handle too much. Freedom with limits. For more ideas on this you might want to try this book:
http://www.activeparenting.com/acb5lic/showdetl.cfm?&DID=8&Product_ID=12...
Good luck,
Ferrol Blackmon
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