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When I become a dad, I'm never going to...
Submitted by tonychen on April 30, 2008 - 2:02pm.
Before I was a dad, I remember making a mental list of things I'd never do. Here are some things on that list that I've done many times over:
- raise my voice unnecessarily
- buy a McDonald's Happy Meal
- Give in to whining
- ever, ever let my child eat french fries of any kind
- spoil my child by buying stuff we don't need
what's on your list? And I'd be really curious to hear how dads of more than 1 child changed their approach for child #2, #3, etc?
I really try not to raise my
I really try not to raise my voice, but after I've told them to do something or to stop doing something 4-5 times...I will get "loud"
McDonalds - We've bought a few happy meals, but the only thing the kids like in them are the fries & toys. They generally don't like Micky D's food. They is a MD's with a "Playplace" right at the end of our street & they kids love going there to play. So, if we take them, they get a small fry & the yogurt/fruit cup thingy, because they'll eat it & usually milk to drink. But, we rarely ever go....maybe 4 times per year.
whining - heh....my wife & I have no tolerance for whining from our 5 & 7 year olds. If they whine, they go to their room or a seat until they're ready to talk about it, sans the whine.
Fries - see above
spoiling - it doesn't happen in our home. In fact, my wife & I rarely ever buys toys, even on birthdays & Christmas. They get too many from friends & family then & they're soon forgot, for the most part.. Every now & then, we'll give them a dollar or 2 to buy something at the dollar store or to save. They'll get a little toy that usually breaks or gets forgotten after a few days....what a waste.
Video games - I used to play EA Sports NHL series quite a bit & the kids loved playing with me. But I haven't had time for it. They closest they get now to video games are the games on noggin.com or another kids site. When they get older we'll see what happens. I'm not against video games in moderation, my wife is against them 100%. However, I think that as they get older, they'll pressure us more to get games....like I said, we'll see what happens.
TV - we let them watch 30-60 mins MAX per day, unless we watch a family movie. It's usually cartoons (ones that we allow)...they LOVE the Pink Panther :)
Computer - like I said in about video games, it's usually kids' websites that they go to. They also like to draw on MS Paint and love Celestia, a "space simulation that lets you explore our universe in three dimensions". I highly recommend Celestia for anyone who has kids interested in space...plus it's FREE.
I Will Never . . .
Give Spit Washes . . . but then I discovered how useful they are
Let my house be over run with toys . . . Who was I kidding
Kid proof my house . . . My wife is making me
Never going to... was/is a big deal for me
I didn't even want to have kids. Not because I didn't like them, but because when I thought of my childhood, it wasn't happy thoughts.
Eventually I decided. If I'm gonna have a child, it's going to be different. Very different.
I have stayed true to my word and I get many compliments on my son, many I believe are a result of my "I'll Never Do.... resolution."
Here are a few of mine:
1) I'll never physically discipline my child. I didn't decide this because I'm a bleeding heart liberal (rather just the opposite). But because I didn't want to teach my child that the way you resolve an issue is with physical force. I grew up getting in fights in school, suspended for fighting and fights as an adult. I realized that wasn't the way I wanted my son to live so I just simply didn't want to teach him that if someone does something you don't like, you hit them. My son is now six and no matter how crazy things might get or upset he gets with something I can tell him to come here and he will walk over to me and I can talk to him and we can "think" through to a resolution of whatever the issue is. At 40 years old, I still wanna pound someone when they piss me off. Punishment for me and probably many of you was issued physically in one form or another.
2) I'll never discipline my child when I'm angry. Most of the discipline I received as a child was at the hands of angry parents. It wasn't a good thing. I resolved that if I was going to make the decision to have a child, I needed to first make the decision that I had to have patience.
3) Necessary vs. Unnecessary - If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times growing up. "That's not necessary" or "You don't need that." We all do things that are not necessary or not needed, that's part of what makes us human and brings fulfillment in life. Do you really NEED to take a vacation? Do you really need to get your hair cut? Do you really need to drink that cup of coffee? When you buy your kid something every time you go to the store, you run the risk of creating a bad habit for them where they MAY become Mr or Mrs Consumer who buys everything when they get older. Likewise if you NEVER buy then something, you run the same risk because they will always want it and never be able to have it. When they get old enough and have some $$, they will probably become Mr. or Mrs. Consumer.
4) I'll give my child time - I run a business and could literally work all day every day, but I decided that if I was going to have a child, I needed to understand that my child would (hopefully) want me to spend time with them, playing and teaching them stuff. At forty, I can still remember wanting my father to explain something to me about the electrical system in a car I was trying to restore/fix-up. He never would. He knew how, he was an electrical engineer, but he would prefer to read the newspaper. My son is my responsibility, I made the decision to bring him into this world, I had better be prepared to give him the time he needs, the patience and the love required.
5) TRY my honest best to answer his questions - Thank god for google. I hated when I asked a question when I was a child and people would ignore me or give me a stupid answer. When my son has an answer I do my best to answer it and explain it to his satisfaction. A few months ago when the question of the Moon and why the moon has different shapes came up. I got a flashlight, an orange and a golf yellow golf ball to show him how the light from the sun (flashlight) was blocked by the earth (orange) but some reached the moon (golf ball). And we spend a lot of time on google. In fact, I was proud when in pre-K they were doing "G" words and the teacher said his G word was "Google."
In general. Just because your parents raised you that way.. Doesn't mean you should raise your child that way.
As for video games... I played them and love them. My son started playing my PS2 when he was about 3 yrs old. Now we spend a lot of time playing his Wii together. I think if you don't ever allow your kids to play video games, you are hurting them more than helping them. Computers, computer interaction and virtual space is the future. Video games are at the cutting edge of many of these technologies.
I remember my parents saying "You should be reading a book instead of doing that. That won't get you anywhere."
I started a software company 13 years ago and still run it today and I make more money than my parents, my brother and sister make combined.
My wife is pretty adamant
My wife is pretty adamant about the "no McDonald's" thing, and I don't suppose it would hurt our daughter to never eat the stuff. There's nothing wrong with a few unnecessaries, though. I certainly won't be spending money every chance I get, but if some ridiculous, fad-swept little trinket will really, truly make her happy ... so be it.
As for the video games, my daughter is going to grow up on them. I have fond memories of my older brother's Atari, and I got my first 8-bit Nintendo when I was 7. I've been a gamer ever since, and I can't imagine denying my daughter the joy that video games have given me.
As for things I swore I would never do to my kids? ... Make them build fence and work cattle are the first two that pop to mind.
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"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
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Great Topic
I'm with you on most of those. It's inevitable that you will experience a wide range of emotions in dealing with your kids.
I've actually got my wife to stop taking the kids to McDonalds, though.
I think the biggest changes in my own behavior from one child to two and now three has got to be me ability to anticipate and control a situation. A feat of juggling the likes which you would have never imagined prior. Believe it or not, I have my dog to thank for preparing me for such unknown situations.
For those of you who have dogs, and possibly kids, teach the dog to walk without a leash in a busy area. You will get constant practice in how to approach potentially tense situations.
Now when I'm with my kids, I'm more prepared mentally to deal with whatever they can dish out. A related tactic is to be more energetic/excited than your kids. If something trying and difficult is in your near future use your kids imagination to your advantage. Often times in the Grocery store I'll take the older kids on a secret mission, sneaking through isles to go get an intentionally, well more often unintentionally, forgotten item. Just be warned, if you come up with too good of a game or character, you'll probably get asked to do it over and over again. Milk it for all it's worth, even if it is annoying after the thirty-second time.
Being a dad is a just big chess match you need to constantly be thinking ahead anticipating what should happen, but being ready for the unimaginable.
I will never have a video game system in my house!
I resisted until my oldest was 11 (my others are 9 and 6) but my wife and I were fairly successful at setting limits with TV/electronics/computer time. Now *I* can't get enough of the Wii!
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