Meeting the step-dad
Hi all,
I had joined Savvy Daddy a few months ago during a turbulent time of
divorce. The contacts I made through the site really helped me out in
working through the whole divorce process.
I'm back in the Savvy Daddy saddle again (and will hopefully stay active here!) and looking for advice on meeting my kids step-dad for the first time next week.
I know it's something that will have to happen eventually, but in all reality, if I did not have kids with my ex-wife I would be fine with never seeing or talking to her ever again.
My child needs to the be the focus here. I get that. But I would appreciate any advice on how to best approach the situation, or hear about any situations all y'all may have been in that are similar. I'm not looking to be friends with the guy, just trying to sort out how to deal with the experience.
I want everyone to know I don't have anything against step-dads. This is not a post to bash them.
I'm just in that situation where my kids were old enough to see and have some understanding that mom didn't want to be married to dad anymore, and then a new guy was introduced into their lives only a few weeks after I moved out. While the divorce process took a few months from filing to signing, the ex-wife was married a month later.
As I mention above, I knew this time would come, but I'm not really looking forward to it.
Yeah, it still stings. :)
Thanks all!
OregonDaddy
Re: Meeting the step-dad
Wow, excellent story there from porkchopexpress. I am ready to divorce my wife, our son is only18 months old and she and I fought just about every night. I had wondered if this divorce was really the best option, I can see now from porkchop's story - clearly, it has to be. My folks were divorced when I was 2, my son is only 18 months old now, and I am following in my dad's footsteps. My soon to be ex wife is trying to make problems for me, get my goat etc. and I am just over it.
I know, from personal experience (as I asked my dad this once) that my son will ask me, Dad, did you do everything you could to stay with mom? I think, now, seeing the alternative and knowing that the damage we would be doing by staying together is far worse than being apart, I feel a little better. Thanks porkchopexpress . . .
My dad passed away five years ago, and it still kills me inside, we were super close and I want that for my son too. Mom had custody of me, officially, but I lived with my dad a lot growing up, and I don't think my wife will go for that - ever, because she has a huge, meddling family that will look down on her, culturally, if she doesn't fight for custody.
I love my kid SO much, it really hurts, but I just hope I am doing the right thing for him by leaving his mother...at such a young age.
I'll bet it never gets easier, does it?
Re: Meeting the step-dad
i am in the same exact situation man, if u find an answer let me know, except the worst parts of life are surounding the new stap dad and there is no way i can do anything to resolve it. i havent seen my kids in months, mediaclly i was told if i have ananxiet attack ill wind up in a coma, so do i go down seein the new step dad, or do i go down missin my kids. tough choice to make, the mom has turned everyon in our county i had as a friend against me lying bout things done and said for self gratification
please help if anyone has an idea
sincerely,
missin my babies
Re: Meeting the step-dad
Wow man, I feel for you. I can not give you advice on what I would do because I have not been through that myself. Since I only know what I have read here and not anyone involved personally, the best I can offer is to say what I hope I would do.
I hope that I would get along with the step-dad. Yeah it sucks that your ex-wife re-married this guy so fast after the divorce, and it sucks because it still hurts and probably will for a very long time, but taking the high road so to speak will speak volumes about you to your kids and those around you.
I know that my folks fought a lot. And when I say a lot I mean nightly. If they hadn't been so old fashioned they would have been divorced very early on in their marriage. But rather than part ways they decided to regularly fight so loud that my friends in my neighborhood would know when they fought. They would fight on holidays and vacations and even when they would come to watch me play ball. Man I hated that. I hated the way their fighting made me feel inside. There are distinct memories of me crying in my room while I listened to my parents yelling horrible things at one another. I would cry and due to the volume be forced to listen until sleep would finally over take me. I say this because my parents thought that my brother and I had no clue about their fighting because they would wait until we went to bed before the insults would start to fly. Man even after my brother and I were older and we would be out at night and come home you could just tell that it happened again. So believe me when I say that your kids know when things are bad between you and the ex-wife.
So from that experience in my own childhood I want to encourage you to get along with the step-father. Not that I would expect you to go on a fishing trip tomorrow with the guy, but who knows maybe one day your children may be involved in something and they will want both of you there for it. It would be a hell of a lot better experience if when you see this guy you didn't just want to stab him in the face. The best part is that your kids will feel safe around you. If all you have is anger and you want to take every chance to lash out at your ex or the step dad they will never feel safe when you are all together. I never did with my folks. It was ok when I was just with one parent, but when the two were together I always worried about them starting something. Man I am halfway through my thirties, have my own family, both parents are gone, and I can still feel exactly what that was like.
Making a short story long, if possible just be a nice guy and see where it goes. Besides, if you get along with the step dad it will drive your ex nuts. If he turns out to be a scum, just make sure your kids know it is always safe with you.
Best of luck man!
Re: Meeting the step-dad
one of my closest friends just went through this - it's tough stuff no matter how you cut it. I think my friend had the right approach, though - he was respectful of the step-dad's "authority" and "domain". It's his house, and in some sense, in part, his family, so he can do whatever he wants. At the same time, my friend gave step-dad some tips/tricks for how to calm down the girls or get on their good side. Fortunately, the step-dad was pretty open to it and that advice worked well.
It's still awkward (and will probably always be), but my friend really just enjoys the time he has with the kids when he gets it. And he just tries to be a helpful by-stander in his kid's house. Maybe things will be different if the kids start veering off course, or when they get older. but for now, this seems to be working, and the step-dad seems to trust (but not like) my friend.
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