Most parents rank the teenage years as the hardest stage of child rearing, due in large part to constant angry fighting. Yet, as one author said about warring nations, "Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional." In other words, conflicts will naturally arise as your teen develops her personality and increases her desire for independence. But you can determine whether those disputes evolve into bitter fights. Dads, you can take the initiative and choose to have productive conflicts. Collected below are examples of common tipping points, points where some dads might let a dispute with a teenager escalate into an unresolved fight that ends in bad feelings, but where savvy dads can try a little harder and turn that dispute into a constructive disagreement.

Complaint #1: "You just don't understand!" The #1 complaint from teens is not being heard. "You just don't understand," is a reflection of this frustration.

Solution: Good listening. Dads, this is a complaint you can fix by . . . LISTENING! Say, "I want to understand. Explain what I am missing," and then use good listening skills. This includes rephrasing what your teenager says into your own words, eliciting more information through appropriate questions, and showing that you are really trying to understand their point of view. Good listening will allow your teenager to feel heard - which is often enough to end a fight. Further, it will allow you to keep communication lines open, and possibly find some creative solutions to your disagreements.

Complaint #2: "I want to live my own life!" Teens want freedom, and parents want to ensure safe and healthy development. The proper balance between freedom and control is one of the toughest balances parents face.

Solution: Clearly explain objectives and give teens the freedom to meet them. Parents' and teens' goals can coexist. In fact, healthy development requires increased independence. No one is suggesting you hand over the credit cards and car keys and say "Have a nice weekend." Kids do need to be given the opportunity to try things on their own - and even fail - in order to learn about responsibility, accountability, resourcefulness, problem solving, and decision making.

Try clearly stating your objectives and then give teens some freedom to figure out how to meet those goals. For example, you might say you won't monitor your daughter's homework as long as she makes the honor roll. You might not control her sleep schedule if she is awake and out the door by 7:00 A.M. You might say "Eat what you want, but reassure me that you will try to eat healthy." Just discuss the specific goals with your teen, agree on reasonable consequences if the goals aren't met, be available for advice, and give them some trust.

Complaint #3: "Why do you have to be such a #*%#??!!" Surprisingly, constant angry fighting is a complaint not only from parents but also from teens. Too often emotions make disagreements spiral into screaming matches.

Solution: Set the emotional tone. You are the adult, which means you aren't supposed to throw temper tantrums, and you aren't allowed to say, "HE STARTED IT!" Yelling ensures that conflicts will not be resolved. Luckily it only takes one person to defuse an emotionally charged situation, and as the adult you need to take that responsibility yourself. To set a civil tone, use techniques like good listening and clear communication. Try to stay composed from the beginning. But if your teen does get heated, you need to decrease, not increase, the intensity. Say calmly, "I hear that you feel very strongly about this. Please tell me more specifically what is upsetting you."

Complaint #4: "Arguing with you is useless!" Both teens and parents complain that their arguments go nowhere.

Solution: Use and teach good negotiation skills to find creative solutions. Use good negotiation skills and teach your teen that the best way to get what he wants is to do the same. Negotiations ended South African apartheid, got Egypt to recognize Israel, and diffused the Cuban Missile Crisis, so you should feel confident you can negotiate a curfew with a teenager. Find solutions to your disagreements by stating the interests you are trying to accomplish, listening to the each other's interests, and then brainstorming for creative solutions that come closest to solving both of your goals. In other words, don't get stuck on, "Your curfew is 11 P.M.," and instead focus on finding out what your teenager wants to accomplish by staying out later and what you want to accomplish by getting him home by 11.

Remember that your ultimate goal with a kid is not just to make sure that they don't lose a limb, become a drug addict, or get pregnant on your beat. Your job is to create happy, healthy people that will flourish when they leave home. You can accomplish this -- and more -- if you spend time together, ask questions, show patience and love, and, of course, occasionally threaten boot camp.