Submitted by Pete (not verified) on October 13, 2008 - 8:42am.
Hey Irab,
First, don't take it personally that your child doesn't immediately recognize you as a comforter. As the first commenter noted, he actually has the opposite situation since he is around his child more often than his wife. So, it's more the "position" than it is you as a father.
Even at 3 months old, he is already aware that "I want mommy" (which is pretty advanced for a 3 month old in my experience). In other words, the fact that he immediately calms down when mommy enters the room should tell you that his crying is derivative of a "want" and not a "need."
This should comfort you somewhat knowing that you are not neglecting a need. Remember, the only way a 3 month knows how to communicate is through crying. So, you can translate what he's saying into "I want mommy."
This may sound counter intuitive, but my recommendation is for you to speak to your child in a confident, firm and sturdy tone and say, "Everything is fine. Mommy is coming home soon." (even though in your head you may not be thinking everything is fine ;0) ... what's important is that your child sees you in control and calm. Conversely, if he sees you "out of control" ... nervous... anxious... don't be surprised if he reflects that, too.
It may not be enough in and of itself to speak to your child authoritatively, but when you couple it with some of the other techniques, you may find a completely different result.
Another suggestion... when your wife comes home, ask her NOT to immediately rush to your child (again, knowing that it's a "want" and not a "need"). Instead, have her enter your baby's room calmly and confidently. And then have her say the same words... "Everything is fine. Mommy and daddy are here." Maybe she can fold clothes or something while she's saying it. Then have her leave the room for 5 minutes and come back and do it again. Then on the 3rd time, she can pick up your son and feed him or hold him or whatever.
This lets the child know that there is a balance to life.... that things will be okay EVEN IF mommy is not immediately available.
You guys are just starting out and there's lots to learn, but everything WILL be okay. The most important thing you can give to your child is love and you've been doing that from day 1.
Re: Uncontrolled screaming
Hey Irab,
First, don't take it personally that your child doesn't immediately recognize you as a comforter. As the first commenter noted, he actually has the opposite situation since he is around his child more often than his wife. So, it's more the "position" than it is you as a father.
Even at 3 months old, he is already aware that "I want mommy" (which is pretty advanced for a 3 month old in my experience). In other words, the fact that he immediately calms down when mommy enters the room should tell you that his crying is derivative of a "want" and not a "need."
This should comfort you somewhat knowing that you are not neglecting a need. Remember, the only way a 3 month knows how to communicate is through crying. So, you can translate what he's saying into "I want mommy."
This may sound counter intuitive, but my recommendation is for you to speak to your child in a confident, firm and sturdy tone and say, "Everything is fine. Mommy is coming home soon." (even though in your head you may not be thinking everything is fine ;0) ... what's important is that your child sees you in control and calm. Conversely, if he sees you "out of control" ... nervous... anxious... don't be surprised if he reflects that, too.
It may not be enough in and of itself to speak to your child authoritatively, but when you couple it with some of the other techniques, you may find a completely different result.
Another suggestion... when your wife comes home, ask her NOT to immediately rush to your child (again, knowing that it's a "want" and not a "need"). Instead, have her enter your baby's room calmly and confidently. And then have her say the same words... "Everything is fine. Mommy and daddy are here." Maybe she can fold clothes or something while she's saying it. Then have her leave the room for 5 minutes and come back and do it again. Then on the 3rd time, she can pick up your son and feed him or hold him or whatever.
This lets the child know that there is a balance to life.... that things will be okay EVEN IF mommy is not immediately available.
You guys are just starting out and there's lots to learn, but everything WILL be okay. The most important thing you can give to your child is love and you've been doing that from day 1.