Submitted by omegapoint on September 5, 2008 - 6:11pm.
Everyone always says how hard divorce is on kids, but I don't think I've ever heard anything specific about it other than "it makes them act out". I do have a few insights into the effect a divorce has on the kids, as something to keep in mind as you contemplate divorce.
Not only do you have a totally unknown man influencing your children when your wife remarries, if she gets full custody, that means you are bound to this guy in a most unpleasant way. If he loses his job and decides he wants to move across the country for another job, you have to follow him if you want to see your kids regularly. If you hear about a great job, house, or whatever you'd like to move closer to, you can't without giving up what little time you get with your kids. If the kids are in the hospital and you're far away, you can't help, visit, or talk with them. Your relationship with your kids is dependent on some other guy's whim, and he probably doesn't like you much.
Discipline becomes impossible. You may be able to negotiate favorable custody terms, you may have joint custody, or even full custody. But as the kids get older, they need consistent discipline. You can't do that because the kids will quickly learn that all they have to do is wait until they go to the other parent's house and the punishment goes away. Your own kids quickly turn into people you don't really know. It breaks the bond of trust and respect that kids normally have for both parents.
Where do the kids go to school? If you don't have at least joint custody, your kids may end up at some second-rate school in your ex-wife's run-down district where she moved after losing the income you provided for your family. If you can get the kids into a better school ditrict, it will mean providing transportation for them every day, to and from your ex-wife's house.
There is no reason in the world that, if you do decide to proceed with a divorce, that you shouldn't ask for custody. You can always give your ex-wife more time with the kids, but you'll never get any back. Talk to a lawyer before you announce to your wife that you want a divorce. Decisions you make now will gravely effect the court proceedings. Moving out so your kids can have a place to live seems like a kind thing to do, but the courts will interpret it as you abandoning your family.
And now for a bit of unsolicited advice. Go to a marriage counselor with the intent of making your marriage tolerable, not as a way to ask for permission to divorce. Your problems won't really go away after the divorce, and your kids will suffer from your absence, or the absence of their mother. If you can, tough it out for the kids. Your kids' are at a pretty difficult age, one that is hard on a marriage. It can get better, and it's worth the effort for your family and yourself.
To answer your actual question, the way a dad copes with some other guy influencing his kids and his own life is to grit his teeth and try not to end up in a tower with a high-powered rifle. You end up with the same sorts of problems, but with fewer options. Good luck man, and remember to try to do what's best for the family. Eventually, it may work out to be the best thing for you as well.
Re: Step-Dads
Everyone always says how hard divorce is on kids, but I don't think I've ever heard anything specific about it other than "it makes them act out". I do have a few insights into the effect a divorce has on the kids, as something to keep in mind as you contemplate divorce.
Not only do you have a totally unknown man influencing your children when your wife remarries, if she gets full custody, that means you are bound to this guy in a most unpleasant way. If he loses his job and decides he wants to move across the country for another job, you have to follow him if you want to see your kids regularly. If you hear about a great job, house, or whatever you'd like to move closer to, you can't without giving up what little time you get with your kids. If the kids are in the hospital and you're far away, you can't help, visit, or talk with them. Your relationship with your kids is dependent on some other guy's whim, and he probably doesn't like you much.
Discipline becomes impossible. You may be able to negotiate favorable custody terms, you may have joint custody, or even full custody. But as the kids get older, they need consistent discipline. You can't do that because the kids will quickly learn that all they have to do is wait until they go to the other parent's house and the punishment goes away. Your own kids quickly turn into people you don't really know. It breaks the bond of trust and respect that kids normally have for both parents.
Where do the kids go to school? If you don't have at least joint custody, your kids may end up at some second-rate school in your ex-wife's run-down district where she moved after losing the income you provided for your family. If you can get the kids into a better school ditrict, it will mean providing transportation for them every day, to and from your ex-wife's house.
There is no reason in the world that, if you do decide to proceed with a divorce, that you shouldn't ask for custody. You can always give your ex-wife more time with the kids, but you'll never get any back. Talk to a lawyer before you announce to your wife that you want a divorce. Decisions you make now will gravely effect the court proceedings. Moving out so your kids can have a place to live seems like a kind thing to do, but the courts will interpret it as you abandoning your family.
And now for a bit of unsolicited advice. Go to a marriage counselor with the intent of making your marriage tolerable, not as a way to ask for permission to divorce. Your problems won't really go away after the divorce, and your kids will suffer from your absence, or the absence of their mother. If you can, tough it out for the kids. Your kids' are at a pretty difficult age, one that is hard on a marriage. It can get better, and it's worth the effort for your family and yourself.
To answer your actual question, the way a dad copes with some other guy influencing his kids and his own life is to grit his teeth and try not to end up in a tower with a high-powered rifle. You end up with the same sorts of problems, but with fewer options. Good luck man, and remember to try to do what's best for the family. Eventually, it may work out to be the best thing for you as well.