Submitted by omegapoint on September 5, 2008 - 5:33pm.
I've been a stepdad for five years now to two kids (I also have three of my own, the oldest being almost four), and I think there are a few things I can offer in the way of advice (or just experience).
Whether or not the child's father is still involved in her life makes a difference in how you approach your role. For me, the kids' father still has them every other week (they spend every school day at our house and he picks them up in the evening on his weeks).
My role is as an authority figure, an advocate for them, a role model, and a mentor. We play and joke, but I wouldn't say that I'm their friend. I'm not quite a parent to me: I don't make long-term plans for them or discipline them beyond an immediate reprimand if they're doing something obviously destructive or dangerous. If I ask them to do something like take out the trash or clean up the living room, I expect them to do it, and typically have a little better luck getting help out of them than their mom since our relationship is somewhat more simple than the relationship between a child and parent. Any sort of punishment is handled by their mom (who usually consults me, but she doesn't have to). The kids already have a dad, and while I don't care for him personally, as long as he isn't hurting the kids I respect his right to parent his own children.
It took me a while to figure out where I should be in the family social structure, but I feel like I settled on a way that works well for all of us. Sometimes, like in the case of your three and a half year-old missing her dad, the best you can do is offer sympathy. There's nothing you can do to fix it, and you can't be her dad. I have heard of cases where the stepdad replaced the dad, but that was when the dad was out of the picture entirely.
There are a couple of pitfalls to being a stepdad that I've come across. One is the natural desire to get between your wife and her ex-husband. It's not a bad idea to be with your wife if she needs to meet him, but you should let your wife do any negotiation with him. Another is trying to be too much to your stepkids. It sounds counter-intuitive, but by being someone they can count on who doesn't have the same baggage associated with a child-parent relationship, you end up being able to give them more. The stepkids usually come to me when they're hurt because it makes them feel better and more calm to have their boo-boos treated by someone who they see as being impartial. When they're really just looking for sympathy, they go to their mom. They come to me when they want the truth about something. That's not to say that my relationship with them is cold, it's just not the same as a parental realtionship. While I greatly admire the men who are big-hearted enough to love a stepchild the same way they love their own, I'm not one of those guys. I care about my stepkids, I support them emotionally and financially, but I don't have the same feelings for them that I do my own kids. It's tough when money is tight and instead of being able to buy something for my own kids, the money has to go to support someone else's children. There is no real answer for this, other than the fact that kids don't need stuff so much as they need love and wisdom. I just thought I'd mention it as a forewarning and something to think on.
A stepdad shouldn't push his beliefs on his stepkids. He should never try to influence lifelong plans or heritage-type issues (if the kid is going to play a sport, it's up to the mom and dad, not the stepdad, to decide which one). A stepkid is not your kid, it's something different, and she shouldn't be treated like your kid. It's a tough balance to maintain. So much time, energy, and money go into stepkids, but without the benefits that come with a child of your own. It's just the nature of the job. You can teach them a lot, and you can be a powerful positive force in the life of your stepkid. Unfortunately, stepparenting is unique in each case, you pretty much have to figure it out for yourself how best to do it.
I'm not sure that I've really expressed my feelings very acurrately. Despite what I sound like, I do like being a stepdad and I'm glad I'm part of their lives. I'm happy to offer any advice to you about specific problems that I can. Stepfathering doesn't have to be lonely, and I hope that you'll find people to talk to about it. It's a tough job.
Re: Step-Dads
I've been a stepdad for five years now to two kids (I also have three of my own, the oldest being almost four), and I think there are a few things I can offer in the way of advice (or just experience).
Whether or not the child's father is still involved in her life makes a difference in how you approach your role. For me, the kids' father still has them every other week (they spend every school day at our house and he picks them up in the evening on his weeks).
My role is as an authority figure, an advocate for them, a role model, and a mentor. We play and joke, but I wouldn't say that I'm their friend. I'm not quite a parent to me: I don't make long-term plans for them or discipline them beyond an immediate reprimand if they're doing something obviously destructive or dangerous. If I ask them to do something like take out the trash or clean up the living room, I expect them to do it, and typically have a little better luck getting help out of them than their mom since our relationship is somewhat more simple than the relationship between a child and parent. Any sort of punishment is handled by their mom (who usually consults me, but she doesn't have to). The kids already have a dad, and while I don't care for him personally, as long as he isn't hurting the kids I respect his right to parent his own children.
It took me a while to figure out where I should be in the family social structure, but I feel like I settled on a way that works well for all of us. Sometimes, like in the case of your three and a half year-old missing her dad, the best you can do is offer sympathy. There's nothing you can do to fix it, and you can't be her dad. I have heard of cases where the stepdad replaced the dad, but that was when the dad was out of the picture entirely.
There are a couple of pitfalls to being a stepdad that I've come across. One is the natural desire to get between your wife and her ex-husband. It's not a bad idea to be with your wife if she needs to meet him, but you should let your wife do any negotiation with him. Another is trying to be too much to your stepkids. It sounds counter-intuitive, but by being someone they can count on who doesn't have the same baggage associated with a child-parent relationship, you end up being able to give them more. The stepkids usually come to me when they're hurt because it makes them feel better and more calm to have their boo-boos treated by someone who they see as being impartial. When they're really just looking for sympathy, they go to their mom. They come to me when they want the truth about something. That's not to say that my relationship with them is cold, it's just not the same as a parental realtionship. While I greatly admire the men who are big-hearted enough to love a stepchild the same way they love their own, I'm not one of those guys. I care about my stepkids, I support them emotionally and financially, but I don't have the same feelings for them that I do my own kids. It's tough when money is tight and instead of being able to buy something for my own kids, the money has to go to support someone else's children. There is no real answer for this, other than the fact that kids don't need stuff so much as they need love and wisdom. I just thought I'd mention it as a forewarning and something to think on.
A stepdad shouldn't push his beliefs on his stepkids. He should never try to influence lifelong plans or heritage-type issues (if the kid is going to play a sport, it's up to the mom and dad, not the stepdad, to decide which one). A stepkid is not your kid, it's something different, and she shouldn't be treated like your kid. It's a tough balance to maintain. So much time, energy, and money go into stepkids, but without the benefits that come with a child of your own. It's just the nature of the job. You can teach them a lot, and you can be a powerful positive force in the life of your stepkid. Unfortunately, stepparenting is unique in each case, you pretty much have to figure it out for yourself how best to do it.
I'm not sure that I've really expressed my feelings very acurrately. Despite what I sound like, I do like being a stepdad and I'm glad I'm part of their lives. I'm happy to offer any advice to you about specific problems that I can. Stepfathering doesn't have to be lonely, and I hope that you'll find people to talk to about it. It's a tough job.