Submitted by omegapoint on September 15, 2008 - 8:45pm.
I certainly look up to my dad as a father to emulate. When I got married and first had to think about parenting (I would be a stepdad that day) he told me to "remember all the shitty things your dad did, and don't do them". There were a lot of good things he did, far, far more good than bad, and I remember the good ones and try to do the same. I remember the bad things and try not to do them. Most of the bad things he did were things motivated by good intentions that just didn't work out the way he thought, so it's pretty easy to take his intentions and execute them in a way that isn't damaging to the kids. I hope. He probably thought that too, of course. Ultimately, we all do the best we can with the information we have.
My dad is old enough now that I don't think his impression of me will ever change. It hurts that I'll never have the approval of my father, but I have my own family to take care of, and my personal problems shouldn't impact them.
For me and dad, there is no longer any point in having a big conversation. As far as he's concerned, I'm a reckless 16 year-old, not a 36 year-old leading a family of 7. Nothing I can do will change that, so I try to keep the relationship stable. Not good or bad, just amiable. I hope that one day it will change, but I no longer have the personal need to reconnect. For me, it has been part of becoming an adult; relying less on my father's advice and approval, and more on the reality of my life and my family.
That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I wish I could talk to my dad, share stories, and (did I mention that it hurts) bask in approval. But for me, it won't happen. I accept it, and thank my dad for what he's done for me and my family. But I let the rest go. I have enough to deal with in my own family without crippling myself with wistfulness.
Re: Man-to-Man with Dad
I certainly look up to my dad as a father to emulate. When I got married and first had to think about parenting (I would be a stepdad that day) he told me to "remember all the shitty things your dad did, and don't do them". There were a lot of good things he did, far, far more good than bad, and I remember the good ones and try to do the same. I remember the bad things and try not to do them. Most of the bad things he did were things motivated by good intentions that just didn't work out the way he thought, so it's pretty easy to take his intentions and execute them in a way that isn't damaging to the kids. I hope. He probably thought that too, of course. Ultimately, we all do the best we can with the information we have.
My dad is old enough now that I don't think his impression of me will ever change. It hurts that I'll never have the approval of my father, but I have my own family to take care of, and my personal problems shouldn't impact them.
For me and dad, there is no longer any point in having a big conversation. As far as he's concerned, I'm a reckless 16 year-old, not a 36 year-old leading a family of 7. Nothing I can do will change that, so I try to keep the relationship stable. Not good or bad, just amiable. I hope that one day it will change, but I no longer have the personal need to reconnect. For me, it has been part of becoming an adult; relying less on my father's advice and approval, and more on the reality of my life and my family.
That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I wish I could talk to my dad, share stories, and (did I mention that it hurts) bask in approval. But for me, it won't happen. I accept it, and thank my dad for what he's done for me and my family. But I let the rest go. I have enough to deal with in my own family without crippling myself with wistfulness.